In light of a spate of recent criticism from anti-death penalty activists, Singapore’s leaders have clarified that the death penalty, regardless of the situation in which it is applied, prevents 100% of offenders from re-offending. “Turning offenders away from a life of crime is a key part of our efforts in rehabilitation,” stated PM Lee. “Our system is foolproof.” When asked his opinion on the possibility of executing innocent people, youngsters, or uneducated Malaysians, he stated that “they wouldn’t re-offend either.”
In a nod to Singapore’s growing supremecy in the field of maths education, Moose City, Alaska (population: 232) decides to adopt the Singapore system in its school district. This makes the grand total number of American schools actually using Singapore textbooks now 1. With 23,457 school districts in total, Singapore is making inroads into the American education system. While Singapore’s textbooks have been added to the list of approved textbooks in hundreds of school districts across the US, Moose City is believed to be the first school district in America to actually use them. In the US, unlike Singapore, the government does not mandate which textbook teachers must use, and teachers have freedom to choose their own textbook from a list of thousands of approved textbooks. Singapore’s textbooks, after significant investment and advertising by the Singapore government, are now included on many of these lists in America. Now that Moose City is actually using the texts, Alaskan students may soon be able to count durians even better than their Singaporean counterparts! PM Lee lauded Moose City’s choice of Singapore’s textbooks: “Yet again, Americans have chosen the Singapore model and are slowly recognizing that their own education system is inferior. Singaporean textbooks are now widely used across the US. Singaporeans should take note and be proud of the education system we have.”
The People’s Action Parties, once well-known around the region in the 1960’s by ravers and hippies for the “action” that went on, no longer have any action, according to a Singapore Donkey survey of local partiers. The survey asked which parties in Singapore were the most happening. 66.6% of partiers responded that the people’s Action parties have become parties for “old people”, with tea-drinking and conversation about which Mercedes to buy replacing the orgies and sexual energy of the 1960’s. The remaining survey respondents indicated that the best parties for action were the Singapore democratic Parties, and the parties always get busted by the police. A police spokesman contacted by Singapore Donkey confirmed that the organizer of those parties is often arrested. “One time one of the party organizers actually bit one of our officers, after their party got too big!” In Singapore, it is illegal for any party to have more than 4 partiers. “In that case, the young lady, Ms. Chee Siok Chin, was the Number 5 partier. We had a number of complaints from the public about that.”
Bar-top dancing was legalised in Singapore in September, 2003 and this week marks the 4-year anniversary of the policy change. Unfortunately, since liberalisation there have been at least 1,240 deaths from people falling off bar-tops. This prompted Vivian Balakrishnan to remark in Parliament today, “I told you so.” It was he who had originally spoken out vehemently against the policy change, stating in 2003 the following and foreseeing the current state of affairs: “If you want to dance, some of us will fall off that bar-top. Some people will die as a result of liberalising bar-top dancing, not just because they have fallen off the bar-top. Because usually a young girl, with a short skirt, dancing on a bar-top, may attract some insults from some other men, and the boyfriend starts fighting. Some people will die. Blood will be shed for liberalising this policy.”
A spokesman at the Ministry of Education announced in a press conference today that Singapore is considering forming a new university, most likely a liberal arts college. Since liberals are normally bankrupt in Singapore, and art is severely censored by the Media Development Authority, it has been decided that the university will be called a “liberal arts” college but there won’t actually be any liberals or arts there. “We just need a good name to attract the poorly-performing local students and those students from nearby communist countries who don’t know what liberals are,” the spokesman clarified. He added that “liberal arts” makes Singapore sound like a first-world country.
The Hungry Ghosts Festival or the Feast for the Wandering Souls is held annually during the seventh month on the lunar calendar and is a month-long event in Singapore. During this month, the gates of hell are opened and spirits are free to roam the earth and visit the living (especially relatives). The Chinese typically burn ‘hell money’ and other paper offerings for the deceased, who as ghosts are able to use the money in their world. And it is in their world where inflation fears mounted today after many mainland Chinese started burning a newly-launched $1,000,000,000,000,000 note. The largest-denomination note available for burning in Singapore is only $1,000,000,000,000. In a world where even basic household items often cost millions or billions of dollars due to the large and constant influx of currency from the living, fears are that pressure from China over the new note will cause runaway inflation, and ultimately Singapore will have to respond by printing an even higher-denomination note. Local entrepreneur Kelvin Tan, however, has decided not to give into pressure, though. “I’m going to burn books this year. My deceased relatives can sell them anytime, since their value will hold in face of inflation.” Other local Chinese have written up special inflation-free bonds and derivatives to burn to afford their relatives long term financial security.
Jasper Tan, a Singaporean entrepreneur, is now earning over $10,000 per month after he started his own business after finishing his university studies with a degree in psychology. His business focuses on teaching entrepreneurship classes. “I thought I might put my knowledge of psychology to use,” he told Singapore Donkey by telephone. Mr. Tan’s education was a boon to the Singapore entrepreneurship scene, and his successful entrepreneurship class has brought him riches and fame. Other Singaporeans may soon jump into the entrepreneurship bandwagon and startup their own entrepreneurship classes. “If more Singaporeans take entrepreneurship classes about starting entrepreneurship classes, then it bodes well for Singapore’s future,” said PM Lee when asked to comment. “Someday, as more and more Singaporeans teach entrepreneurship, we will all become smarter.”