Caning force on strike; complaints of carpal-tunnel syndrome

Singapore canes approximately 3,000 illegal workers and entrants annually, according to the Singapore Prison Service. A spokesman reported with pride that 2006 has been a record year in illegals caught. “Our methods of catching illegals are improving, reflecting improving efficiency in the Singapore Police Force.” He explained that the illegals typically have a darker skin tone from local Chinese Singaporeans due to their origins in surrounding countries, making them easy to identify for increased police scrutiny on the streets. If they are poor, they are quite readily rounded up and detained, caned, and deported. While this has not proven troublesome in the past, the increasing workload has upset the caning workers resulting in a work stoppage.

“We get tired after about the fifth caning,” complained a Singaporean caner. “The work is very bloody, and we tire of hearing all these strapped-down naked foreigners scream in agony all day. Can’t they take the beatings without making such noise?” Another worker complained of carpal-tunnel syndrome, caused by repetitive motions with his wrist due to the large number of illegal border-crossers to cane. The Singapore Prison Service is taking these complaints very seriously in order to avoid a possible strike. “Our caners usually like their jobs. We try to hire people with sadistic tendencies so that their jobs can be pleasurable, but unfortunately some workers simply complain too much,” said the spokesman. “If this work stoppage continues, it will be difficult to find replacement skilled caners. It takes several hundred sessions before a caner gains sufficient skill to maul the skin across the whole buttocks. The less experienced caners usually just cane near the middle of the buttocks haphazardly, resulting in much trembling and screaming, but only until stroke 8 (it numbs after that due to nerve ending annihilation). We prefer a longer, more agonizing type of caning with as much broken skin as possible. Making the caning as painful as possible is actually required by Singapore law.” Workers countered that they were not given adequate hearing protection to protect them from the immigrants’ screams. “The immigrants are usually very poor, trying to earn money to send back to their families (who are also poor) in neighboring countries. They should definitely be caned to a bloody pulp and then imprisoned. But not at the expense of our hearing.”

One Westerner found who likes Singapore

A Finnish citizen, Mika Johannes Sampovaara, indicated to Straits Times reporter Ken Kwek that he “likes” Singapore. So far he is the only Westerner who likes Singapore. Prior to his interview, it was assumed that Westerners only moved to Singapore for the money, and that after they earned their fortunes, they moved back home to their free, prosperous countries. It is still unknown why Mr. Sampovaara “likes” Singapore, but it is believed that he prefers such features of Singapore as no freedom of speech, caning, mandatory death penalty, and prohibitions on oral sex. He and his Russian wife, Tanya, never have oral sex. They also strongly believe that no one else should have it either. That’s why they moved to Singapore. They “like” Singapore.

Chee Soon Juan finds Singapore guilty in free speech case

Chee Soon Juan, after defending himself in court from charges of speaking in public without a permit, announced his verdict today, and Singaporeans will not be pleased. “Singapore is guilty,” rendered Dr. Chee, “and the punishment is 5 weeks imprisonment”. There is one bright side to the story, however. Dr. Chee has graciously offered to serve Singapore’s sentence for its citizens, along with his colleagues Yap Keng Ho and Gandhi Ambalam, and he is now carrying out that brazen act of charity within the confines of Queenstown Remand Prison. Singaporeans mostly didn’t notice, and some believed that Dr. Chee’s sacrifice is not really a sacrifice, as daily Singaporean life is not significantly different from life in prison.

MM Lee and wife visit Paris, complain Singapore is “too boring”

MM Lee and Mrs. Lee are traveling again this month, just weeks after MM Lee wrapped up a gaming trip to Las Vegas and tour of the United States. When interviewed by Singapore Donkey, MM Lee had much to say. “We like to travel. And with Singapore taxpayers paying all our expenses, in addition to my mentoring salary, it makes for a very nice retirement. I spend most of my time eating nice dinners, drinking fine wines, gambling, and making speeches about my success as former prime minister.” Mrs. Lee also expects that she will very much enjoy her upcoming trip to France and the Middle East, and she can rest assured that should she ever feel ill on her trip, Singapore Airlines stands ready to ferry her back to Singapore for treatment at a moment’s notice. “It is good to escape Singapore from time to time. It’s quite boring, and so long as our vacation is not at our own expense, France provides a nice getaway.” MM Lee also reported that he planned to see a performance at Crazy Horse Paris, to verify that Crazy Horse Singapore is more family-friendly.

Gays threaten to increase recruitment over sex law revisions

Singapore has decided to scrap Section 377 of its penal code, which currently bans penile-vaginal sex in Singapore. (See Singapore Donkey’s related Analysis of 377.) However, Section 377A bans only gay sex and will not be scrapped. Because Singapore is, by and large, a conservative country, lesbian sex is currently allowed. “The problem,” PM Lee explained, “is that Singapore is, by and large, a gay-hating country of mainly homophobic bigots. We need to make sure that their views are incorporated into our penal code.” As such, many conservative and religious persons have been consulted in the drafting of the new law. Section 377 currently provides life imprisonment for gays, while Section 377A provides for two-year imprisonment. Because Section 377 will be repealed (it currently discriminates against straight Singaporeans who like anal sex, not just gay people), it must be replaced with some kind of law that punishes homosexual men extra. The new, replacement Section 377 will reportedly proscribe stoning as the preferred method of punishment for gays. “Religious freedom is very important in Singapore. We tried to find some sort of punishment for gay people that would be acceptable to both Christians and Muslims. Since both the Bible and the Quran provide for stoning and/or execution of homosexuals, we’ve settled on stoning as an acceptable alternative to life imprisonment. After all, these religious texts are thousands of years old, so the traditional way must be the right way. This will also bring Singapore’s penal code in line with that of other modern nations, including Iran and Zimbabwe.”

The local gay community has reacted with strong protest, threatening to start recruiting more gay members from the straight population. Given how much freedom and tolerance gay people have in Singapore, the lifestyle beckons. Even some MPs may be recruited! This has many PAP ministers worried. Dr. Balaji Sadasivan (because of his nicely-decorated office) and Mr. Vivian Balakrishnan (because of his feminine name) are seen as especially vulnerable to conversion. Gays also plan to target the whole staff of the Public Entertainment Licensing Unit and the Singapore Police Force for active recruitment. They believe that with pressure and prayer, straight civil servants in these units can readily convert to gay. Meanwhile, some gay activists also blamed the straight people of Singapore for having so many gay babies in the first place, causing this problem.

Reports of Singapore’s sex law revision have caused furor abroad, with protests in the United States and Europe over Singapore’s plans to stone gay men to death. PM Lee assured the Westerners that “Singapore is not homophobic” and the Westerners went back home because PM Lee’s English sounds so soothing and refined.

Mediacorp TODAY celebrates 6th birthday, but still behaves like a 2-year-old

Mediacorp TODAY newspaper has just celebrated its sixth birthday, but most Singaporeans think that the daily has only been around for two years. It is this image of a young, vibrant, open newspaper that TODAY is trying hard to shed. “Our new strategy in establishing ourselves as a premier Singapore newspaper is to focus more on grammar and nice photographs,” a TODAY reporter revealed. “The toughest part is rewording government press releases to make it look like we uncovered the news on our own.” TODAY could learn a lot from the Straits Times, Singapore’s Pulitzer-quality paper. “They are better at it than us,” she added. Another problem is getting Singaporeans to read newspapers, as many prefer getting their news directly from the speeches of MM Lee Kwan Yew, Singapore’s oldest citizen. When asked if he was becoming too old to create the news in Singapore and if PM Lee, his son, might replace him some day, he remarked that “It is better that some type of newspaper like TODAY succeed me first. Then were Loong to make the grade later, it would be clear that he made it on his own merit.”

MM Lee awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for refuting “Western” laws of physics

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences in Stockholm today announced the winner of the 2006 Nobel Prize in Physics, Minister Mentor Lee of Singapore. The Nobel committee cited MM Lee’s efforts in proving that some “Western” laws of physics, including Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, were incompatible with Asian thinking and values. “Each country must develop its own physical model of the world. A liberal set of physical laws, such as those laid down by Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein (both Westerners), do not necessarily apply in Singapore.” MM Lee’s insistence that the laws of physics must be developed to suit the unique culture and values of each country has earned him the Nobel. Among the laws of physics developed by MM Lee include the following, with corollaries (b) being those primarily believed to be unique to Singapore. MM Lee will receive his award on December 10th in Stockholm.

Law of Inertia
(a) Ministers in motion tend to remain in motion.
(b) Ministers at rest tend to remain at rest.

Law of Conservation of Energy
(a) Ministers can neither be created nor destroyed.
(b) Ministers can, however, be changed readily from one form to another without loss.