MDA officials reviewing “Girls Gone Wild” videos daily to check and re-check that ban was appropriate

29 August 2006

Officers at the Media Development Authority are deep in work these days, as so many “Girls Gone Wild” videos are being submitted for censorship and approval.  Although not expected to give approval, an MDA spokesman insisted that officials were “slowly” and “carefully” reviewing the videos multiple times in order to be sure that a ban is appropriate.  “Ordinary Singaporeans would not want to see these videos,” explained the spokesman, “so we will ban them.”  Singaporeans can rest assured that they can count on the MDA to protect them from any undesireable publications.  The spokesman added that chief Amy Chua herself was supervising the censoring of “Beefcakes: Raw and Rough” and that she “liked” her job in public service.


Sir Elton John and partner imprisoned, caned upon entering Singapore for being gay

29 August 2006

A gay sex ring, composed of two British entertainers, has been smashed.  This was reported today by the Singapore Police Force.  “We have zero tolerance for crime in Singapore. Gay sex is strictly prohibited, and as a seizable offence, is was our duty to apprehend the two offenders.”  Sir Elton John had planned a brief stopover in Singapore to attend a charity concert.  Singapore law provides for caning and life imprisonment under Sections 377 and 377A of the penal code.

A*Star to spin off B*Star and C*Star agencies for normal stream scientists

27 August 2006

Due to the popularity of streaming in the Singapore school system, the Education Ministry advised that streaming continue for those who remain in academia as professionals.  Accordingly, Mr. Philip Yeo, head of A*Star, will now be heading the normal stream C*Star agency, and a search is on for scientists and researchers to take up the newly created posts in B*Star and A*Star for express-stream and gifted scientists, respectively.

Singapore to ban penile-vaginal sex to halt HIV spread

16 August 2006

Minister of Health Khaw Boon Wan indicated today that a law revision would be recommended soon to Parliament.  This comes after evidence that Singapore is banning the wrong kinds of sex in order to prevent HIV spread.  Statistically, oral sex is far safer than penile-vaginal sex, yet Singapore law currently bans oral sex unless followed by the riskier variety.  Mr. Khaw reportedly said that this aspect of the law must be revised.  “In Singapore, we need to ban some kind of sex, but currently we are banning the wrong kind,” a Ministry of Health spokesman explained. It is estimated that by “switching bans” and making traditional penile-vaginal sex an offence, the HIV infection rate in Singapore will drop dramatically.

Enough sewage coming from parliament building to supply all needs of NEWater

5 August 2006

NEWater, the name given to Singapore’s reclaimed water, is wastewater that has been treated by a dual-membrane osmotic technique to produce clean, potable drinking water.  This is expected to make Singapore fully independent from Malaysia for water.  Indeed, a NEWater spokesman indicated that there would be no need to reclaim all wastewater, as enough sewage was flowing from Parliament alone to supply needs for the whole country.