PM Lee sends aid Mercedes to Burma generals

A humanitarian disaster in Myanmar caused by a deadly cyclone has left over ten thousand people dead and thousands more homeless without adequate food, water, and medical care.  Countries around the world have generously donated aid and condemned Myanmar’s military government for blocking food shipments to people in need.  Singapore’s leaders fully understand the severity of the situation and have also pledged to help Myanmar’s people.  “The main problem,” PM Lee stated in a press conference, “is that many of Senior General Than Shwe’s luxury cars were in the Irrawaddy delta region when the cyclone struck.  The loss of these automobiles represent an incalculable loss to the Burmese people.” PM Lee pledged Singapore’s continued support for the plight of Myanmar’s impoverished citizens.  “We will send eighty replacement Mercedes and Aston Martins to replace those lost in the cyclone,” PM Lee said, “and we have received assurances from the junta that this aid will not be blocked or redirected from the generals most in need.”  The five Mercedes vehicles are slated to arrive Monday, and the Aston Martins Wednesday.  “This aid will not only help those most in need, but will also improve Singapore’s reputation among the Burmese people and the rest of the world as a stalwart supporter of human rights and as leader in Southeast Asia.  We’ll continue to show the West what ‘Asian Values’ means in this part of the world.”  An elaborate ceremony has been planned to transfer the aid.

Low democracy doesn’t mean no democracy: NCPC

The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) has expanded its successful “Low crime doesn’t mean no crime” public education programme. The goal of the new campaign is to make sure that the Singapore public stays vigilant and prevents any democracy wave from taking root. According to an NCPC press release, this campaign will largely be accomplished in schools: “Democracy prevention should be inculcated from an early age. As such, many of the Council’s efforts are targeted at the youth and children in Singapore. Reaching out to this group is made easier by the fact that this is largely a captured audience, with most of them in schools.” According to a Singapore Police Force spokeswoman, “While the police do their best to prevent democratic rate movement, it is largely our stagnant culture that helps keep the democracy rate in Singapore low. We must make sure this culture doesn’t change.” The spokeswoman further added that the police will continue to target so-called democra-criminals for detention, arrest, and “a bit of brutality when no one’s watching,” so that citizens can continue to enjoy peaceful lives.

George Yeo finds out Singapore is a small country on trip abroad

On a trip to France in late February, Singapore’s foreign minister George Yeo was shocked when he learned that Singapore was “petit”. This unnerving piece of information was presented to him gently by French diplomats during his car trip from the airport to his hotel in Paris. According to senior French officials, Mr. Yeo was becoming alarmed at the long time the trip was taking from the airport. He began explaining to the French how things would be different in Singapore. “In Singapore,” Mr. Yeo asserted, “things are more efficient.” He began telling his French hosts how their traffic system was not as well-managed, how allowing French transport workers to go on strike “is regrettable”, and how all those freedoms they have in France are causing traffic jams. Mr. Yeo also warmly extended an offer for French ministers to visit Singapore, where experts can assist them in solving France’s myriad problems. After an awkward silence, a young diplomat informed Mr. Yeo that France was larger than Singapore, so some places just take longer to travel to from the airport than places in Singapore.

Singapore police bag top prize for fashionable hats

In the annual uniform fashion awards in Paris, Singapore’s female officer uniform won the top prize. The entry was not originally expected to fare well, as it was up against Versace-designed swimwear used by the Italian Lifeguard Association. What tipped the final vote in Singapore’s favor, according to Madame Yvonne Jaquard, chief judge, were the inspirational hats. “The blue hats inspire confidence and respect for the law. The officers wearing these hats will undoubtedly enforce the law sternly, but will do so in brutally fashionable style. These cute and stylish uniforms will surely attract international attention and improve Singapore’s image as a country of respect for the law, and a country of fashion.”

Misplaced lip gloss causes panic at ChannelNewsAsia news desk

ChannelNewsAsia (CNA), Singapore’s award-winning 24-hour news network, suffered a news meltdown over the weekend and went off the air briefly. This was eventually traced to a frenzied search for lip gloss, required by MediaCorp executives for all anchors and correspondents. After winning numerous international awards for layout and beauty of its reporters, CNA has positioned itself as the premier news network in the region for viewers who like to see reporters with beautiful, luscious, lips, glossed to a high sheen. When the lip gloss went missing, the news desk mobilized in a frenzied search, but the cosmetics “gloss-box” (as it’s referred to within the studio) was unfortunately not located until after a brief outage. It was deemed by executives that this was acceptable, since good-looking anchorwomen are paramount to reporting of news. ChannelNewsAsia’s website perspective statement explains that “ChannelNewsAsia is created for Asians by Asians.” And unlike Asians in other countries who demand free and fair reporting from their media, Asians in Singapore demand beautiful glossy lips, and government-run MediaCorp will make sure that viewers are satisfied.

All Singapore workers to have salaries pegged to top earners

MM Lee Kuan Yew said in 1996, when speaking on the subject of ministerial pay, “Low salaries will not attract able men who are or can be successful in their professions or business.” These thoughts were echoed again recently, when Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan pointed out that because of the current peg of ministerial pay to the top private sector earners, “A minister should be drawing $2.2 million a year or more.” Because ministers currently earn only $1.2 million per year, an adjustment will be made. However, the government of Singapore has indicated that because of Singapore’s low performance in a number of other metrics, the salaries of all citizens will be pegged to the top earners in each individual’s profession. For example, a maid currently earns only $200 per month. Therefore, quality is low, and corruption is high. By pegging all maids’ salaries in Singapore to that of the highest-paid maid, quality will increase. This pegging will work for all sectors. Cleaners at hawker centers will be pegged to cleaners at NASA. Straits Times journalists will be pegged to Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists. Local television personalities will be pegged to Tom Cruise. After everyone in Singapore has their salary pegged to that of the top earner in their respective field of work, overall quality will increase. MM Lee said, “Low salaries will draw in the hypocrites.” This certainly won’t happen in Singapore.

Old Chinese proverb to accompany all parliament discussions

Ms. Sylvia Lim was reportedly roundly rebuked by a PAP MP in Parliament with the Hokkien saying, “Ai pang sai jia lai chway zua,” meaning that one should not take a shit without procuring toilet paper first. (Ms. Lim had argued that the GST increase is not necessary at the present time.) Although the use of Hokkien is illegal in parliament, an exception has been made because it was used in the context of an ancient wise proverb. PM Lee clarified that anything traditional Chinese is better than any kind of “modern” or “Western” wisdom, and should be encouraged in Parliament. Therefore, the new procedure in Parliament requires that all new legislation be introduced with an old Chinese proverb. As Parliamentary discussion moved to various topics, the following proverbs provided the necessary wisdom for Singapore (rephrased in English for clarity).

1. On ministerial salary increases, “有錢能使鬼推磨 (Ministers would humbly operate grindstones [for the good of Singapore] if properly compensated)” and “一人吃饱，全家不饥 (Singapore’s cuisine is delicious for all citizens.)”
2. On MM Lee’s continued influence in Singapore, “不到黄河心不死 (A man living far from the Yellow River will live forever.)” and “老骥伏枥，志在千里 (Old horses cause more damage if left in the stable.)”
3. On MM Lee’s justice system, “一將功成萬骨枯 (Ten thousand bones from executed Malaysians will build a pretty border fence.)”
4. On PAP MPs, “天下乌鸦一样黑 (Beautiful birds brighten the Halls of Parliament.)”
5. On the PAP after MM Lee steps down, “树倒猢狲散 (Planting trees on the streets makes them beautiful, but creates hiding places for lots of monkeys.)”
6. To honour MM Lee’s accomplishments, “人要脸，树要皮 (The trees must have beautiful thick bark.)”

WP reveals it is both for and against gay people, for and against PAP

Workers’ Party Chairman Sylvia Lim summed it all up on February 3rd in a discussion of proposed changes to the penal code. “While there is sympathy for the liberal view that people should be able to do what they want, unfortunately we are divided over this issue of gay sex,” she said at a forum. Party officials stated, “We like gay people because they might vote for us instead of the PAP, but we also like the idea of locking gays in prison now and then.” Ms. Lim added that her party mainly supports human rights for humans who are not gay.

The forum itself was held to celebrate the Workers’ Party’s 50th Anniversary. It turns out that the continued ban on gay sex is the main highlight of the party’s accomplishments in the last fifty years. (See Singapore Donkey’s Analyses of Section 377A and 377 for more details of Singapore’s penal code amendments.)