Government: Death penalty prevents 100% from re-offending

7 August 2010

In light of a spate of recent criticism from anti-death penalty activists, Singapore’s leaders have clarified that the death penalty, regardless of the situation in which it is applied, prevents 100% of offenders from re-offending.  “Turning offenders away from a life of crime is a key part of our efforts in rehabilitation,” stated PM Lee.  “Our system is foolproof.”  When asked his opinion on the possibility of executing innocent people, youngsters, or uneducated Malaysians, he stated that “they wouldn’t re-offend either.”

Moose City, Alaska, adopts Singapore maths textbooks

16 October 2009

In a nod to Singapore’s growing supremecy in the field of maths education, Moose City, Alaska (population: 232) decides to adopt the Singapore system in its school district.  This makes the grand total number of American schools actually using Singapore textbooks now 1.  With 23,457 school districts in total, Singapore is making inroads into the American education system.  While Singapore’s textbooks have been added to the list of approved textbooks in hundreds of school districts across the US, Moose City is believed to be the first school district in America to actually use them.  In the US, unlike Singapore, the government does not mandate which textbook teachers must use, and teachers have freedom to choose their own textbook from a list of thousands of approved textbooks.  Singapore’s textbooks, after significant investment and advertising by the Singapore government, are now included on many of these lists in America.  Now that Moose City is actually using the texts, Alaskan students may soon be able to count durians even better than their Singaporean counterparts!  PM Lee lauded Moose City’s choice of Singapore’s textbooks: “Yet again, Americans have chosen the Singapore model and are slowly recognizing that their own education system is inferior.  Singaporean textbooks are now widely used across the US.  Singaporeans should take note and be proud of the education system we have.”

Party thrown by People’s Action Party “doesn’t have much action”

29 June 2008

The People’s Action Parties, once well-known around the region in the 1960’s by ravers and hippies for the “action” that went on, no longer have any action, according to a Singapore Donkey survey of local partiers.  The survey asked which parties in Singapore were the most happening.  66.6% of partiers responded that the people’s Action parties have become parties for “old people”, with tea-drinking and conversation about which Mercedes to buy replacing the orgies and sexual energy of the 1960’s.  The remaining survey respondents indicated that the best parties for action were the Singapore democratic Parties, and the parties always get busted by the police.  A police spokesman contacted by Singapore Donkey confirmed that the organizer of those parties is often arrested.  “One time one of the party organizers actually bit one of our officers, after their party got too big!”  In Singapore, it is illegal for any party to have more than 4 partiers.  “In that case, the young lady, Ms. Chee Siok Chin, was the Number 5 partier.  We had a number of complaints from the public about that.”

Deaths mount after 4 years of bar-top dancing

5 September 2007

Bar-top dancing was legalised in Singapore in September, 2003 and this week marks the 4-year anniversary of the policy change. Unfortunately, since liberalisation there have been at least 1,240 deaths from people falling off bar-tops. This prompted Vivian Balakrishnan to remark in Parliament today, “I told you so.” It was he who had originally spoken out vehemently against the policy change, stating in 2003 the following and foreseeing the current state of affairs: “If you want to dance, some of us will fall off that bar-top. Some people will die as a result of liberalising bar-top dancing, not just because they have fallen off the bar-top. Because usually a young girl, with a short skirt, dancing on a bar-top, may attract some insults from some other men, and the boyfriend starts fighting. Some people will die. Blood will be shed for liberalising this policy.”

Singapore mulls liberal arts college without liberals or art

29 August 2007

A spokesman at the Ministry of Education announced in a press conference today that Singapore is considering forming a new university, most likely a liberal arts college.  Since liberals are normally bankrupt in Singapore, and art is severely censored by the Media Development Authority, it has been decided that the university will be called a “liberal arts” college but there won’t actually be any liberals or arts there.  “We just need a good name to attract the poorly-performing local students and those students from nearby communist countries who don’t know what liberals are,” the spokesman clarified.  He added that “liberal arts” makes Singapore sound like a first-world country.

Inflation fears after launch of $1,000,000,000,000,000 note for Hungry Ghosts Festival

18 August 2007

The Hungry Ghosts Festival or the Feast for the Wandering Souls is held annually during the seventh month on the lunar calendar and is a month-long event in Singapore. During this month, the gates of hell are opened and spirits are free to roam the earth and visit the living (especially relatives). The Chinese typically burn ‘hell money’ and other paper offerings for the deceased, who as ghosts are able to use the money in their world. And it is in their world where inflation fears mounted today after many mainland Chinese started burning a newly-launched $1,000,000,000,000,000 note. The largest-denomination note available for burning in Singapore is only $1,000,000,000,000. In a world where even basic household items often cost millions or billions of dollars due to the large and constant influx of currency from the living, fears are that pressure from China over the new note will cause runaway inflation, and ultimately Singapore will have to respond by printing an even higher-denomination note. Local entrepreneur Kelvin Tan, however, has decided not to give into pressure, though. “I’m going to burn books this year. My deceased relatives can sell them anytime, since their value will hold in face of inflation.” Other local Chinese have written up special inflation-free bonds and derivatives to burn to afford their relatives long term financial security.

Singaporean entrepreneur earns big money teaching entrepreneurship class

4 August 2007

Jasper Tan, a Singaporean entrepreneur, is now earning over $10,000 per month after he started his own business after finishing his university studies with a degree in psychology. His business focuses on teaching entrepreneurship classes. “I thought I might put my knowledge of psychology to use,” he told Singapore Donkey by telephone. Mr. Tan’s education was a boon to the Singapore entrepreneurship scene, and his successful entrepreneurship class has brought him riches and fame. Other Singaporeans may soon jump into the entrepreneurship bandwagon and startup their own entrepreneurship classes. “If more Singaporeans take entrepreneurship classes about starting entrepreneurship classes, then it bodes well for Singapore’s future,” said PM Lee when asked to comment. “Someday, as more and more Singaporeans teach entrepreneurship, we will all become smarter.”

Li Hongyi sends e-mail to hundreds of UN delegates about poor leadership in Singapore

3 August 2007

On the heels of his successful e-mail rant to hundreds of people about Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) leadership faults, Mr. Li Hongyi, a low-ranking officer (2LT) and son of Singapore’s PM Lee, has decided to take his letter-writing campaign one step further. Although 2LT Li is very upset and frustrated about conditions within the SAF leadership, he is even more angry and frustrated about the top brass in the Singapore government’s leadership. 2LT Li’s approach to remedy the situation is not to work his way up the chain of command domestically, but to reach out to hundreds of foreigners by e-mail and make sure everyone understands his thoughts on the matter. Singapore Donkey has obtained a copy of his new e-mail:

I am using this last opportunity to issue a letter of complaint against the quality control of leaders in the Singapore government, more specifically against its PM. During my time as his subordinate, the PM was AWOL on at least 2 counts (sipping tea when he was supposed to be attending mentoring tutorials with MM Lee), attempted bribery (threatening to become corrupt without a 50% salary increase), and lied to his subordinates and foreigners (about the treatment of his political opponents and the true amount of freedom in Singapore). The judiciary HQ has effectively given no punishment, and has not even made these infractions known to the rest of the public. PM has banned publications about his wrongdoing, and has even sued those such as the Far Eastern Economic Review and its editor who have tried to inform the public about his infractions.

Even if you attribute the lack of punishment to extreme leniency, the decision to not inform the public about his bad leadership is even more suspicious. Especially in a democracy such as Singapore, where the importance of duty cannot be over emphasized, to not even inform the public of the occurrence is to send a signal that there is nothing wrong with his actions. If it was unintentional it shows gross negligence for something which is clearly an important matter, and if intentional shows a level of corruption that I need not elaborate on.

While some might say this is just a small matter, a story of a single bad prime minister, the fact that it was not dealt with more severely is indicative of a bigger problem. It shows the lack of quality control being practiced for the leaders of Singapore. The following quote was taken from Singapore’s own homepage:

“The quality and commitment of our people will continue to be the most important determinant for advancement” – Member of Parliament Ms Indranee Rajah

We can take criticism about having archaic laws against homosexuals, repressive newspaper ownership laws, and even questionable relevance of censorship in the Media Development Authority to modern day operations. But one thing that cannot be tolerated is a reputation for having bad leaders. Such a reputation would compromise Singapore’s credibility far more than using refurbished British colonial laws or old mentors for our ministers.

While I may only be a 2nd lieutenant, I am a citizen of this country. And as a citizen I have the right to demand high standards from the leaders of Singapore. While it is true that high standards are hard to come by and even harder to enforce, for such events to come to light and yet nothing be done about it is to say the very least, unacceptable and disappointing.

Yours Sincerely,
2LT Li Hongyi

2LT Li is expected to depart Singapore for his studies at MIT, into which he was admitted because of his intelligence, not because of any family connections or Singapore’s donations of money to or connections with MIT.

Singaporeans, not Singapore, to be re-branded

31 May 2007

The Economic Development Board’s efforts in re-branding Singapore as an Education Hub have largely failed, a spokesman said. Therefore, rather than re-brand Singapore, the EDB has decided to re-brand Singaporeans themselves. A large cattle branding iron was procured, with letters “SG” carved. Each citizen will go through the nation-building exercise. The iron reaches a temperature of 500 degrees, and applied to the bare backsides of Singaporean citizens, causing a loud “sssssss” sound for a few seconds to create the new Singapore brand. EDB representatives recruited caning experts at Changi prison to help with the branding, since they are used to dealing with strapping down naked Singaporeans and hearing screams of agony. “It’s actually kind of fun,” said one caner-cum-brander. PM Lee lauded the EDB’s efforts, saying that many tourists would likely visit Singapore to see the new Singapore brand for themselves.

Charity drive teaches children to beg more effectively

12 May 2007

Students in secondary schools in Singapore are encouraged, sometimes required, to participate in charity drives. They can be spotted all around the island collecting donations for all sorts of charities. The main idea is not to learn about the spirit of giving or helping out, but to collect money. A local school administrator told Singapore Donkey, “These are the kinds of values we are trying to teach our children. It’s not about helping out a charity. It’s about learning how to beg shoppers for money. These begging techniques will help the children when they grow up and get displaced by foreign talent. Say, for example, that the charity involves childhood cancer. Rather than asking our students to learn about childhood cancer and volunteer to help victims or help out at hospitals, it’s much more meaningful for them to stand in a shopping mall all day and pester people for coins. After all, Singaporean children like to be in shopping malls. And if they learn how to ask for money from strangers today, then they’ll learn how to ask for money for the rest of their lives.”

Angry NUS law lecturer hits MM Lee with big Bible

4 May 2007

Yvonne Lee

When NUS Assistant Professor Yvonne Lee heard that consensual sex between males might be legalized in Singapore, she took action immediately. Her main worry is that gay men might not be thrown in jail for homosexuality. To prevent all the gay men from being treated fairly in Singapore society, or, even worse, in her NUS classroom, she needed to take bold action. So when MM Lee said that gays might deserve equal rights, she opened her mouth and pulled a big Bible out of it, and then started to hit MM Lee on the head with it. Her main worry is that fundamental Christians like her will not be tolerated (and may even be called “bigoted, homophobes, or hateful”) if gays are not sent to jail for punishment. In the Straits Times, May 4, 2007, she points out that if the gays are not punished, this amounts to “intolerance against religion.” And her religion, particularly, will not stand for intolerance. “We’ll send those homosexuals to prison, as the law stands, and ensure that they don’t trounce on anyone’s religion. We’ll cane them too.” MM Lee reportedly ended up with a big welt on his head from the Bible wound, but is expecting to make a full recovery. “She was hitting me quite hard, and screaming about gay people at the same time. I didn’t expect this to happen in Singapore. New York, perhaps.”

Sea anemones condemned by NCCS for homosexual tendencies

29 March 2007

Sea Anemone

The National Council of Churches of Singapore has issued a strong statement of condemnation of sea anemones (pictured above), because of their asexual, homosexual, and hermaphroditic behaviour. While scientists have found that the creatures are apparently born with these “tendencies”, the NCCS is not convinced. A statement was issued by NCCS and backed up by the Methodist Churches in Singapore as follows: “We consider homosexual acts to be sinful, abhorrent and deviant, whether consensual or not. The NCCS commends the Government on taking a clear, unequivocal and bold stand of neither encouraging nor endorsing a homosexual lifestyle and opposing the presentation of the same as part of a mainstream way of life.”

The NCCS believes that with prayer and counseling, sea anemones can change their sexual orientation, and that it is not a genetic phenomenon. Churches in Singapore support the Government’s decision to retain Section 377A, which proscribes homosexuality with caning and imprisonment. To prevent sea anemones housed at the Singapore Zoo from engaging in such “deviant” acts, Singapore Christian volunteers have agreed to stand watch at the sea anemone exhibit, and turn over any offenders to the police where they can be caned and imprisoned. The NCCS statement said “At the same time, we do not condemn homosexuals as the Bible calls us to hate the sin but love the sinner.” The caning and imprisonment is expected to increase the amount of love in Singapore, and bring more believing anemones to God.

Philip Yeo admitted to National Neuroscience Institute with swollen head

20 March 2007

While on an overseas guppy-studying trip, Mr. Philip Yeo, outgoing leader of A*Star, was found by overseas Singaporean students to be suffering from a swollen head. One student reported to Singapore Donkey that the civil servant’s head had swollen to “3 times its normal size”. Some students suspected that it had always been a bit swollen, but the problem was apparently getting worse over time. Upon returning to Singapore this week, Mr. Yeo was forcibly admitted to the National Neuroscience Institute and the attending physician, Dr. Lee Wei Ling, confirmed the scholars’ findings. Dr. Lee will be operating on Mr. Yeo presently. Dr. Lee (also daughter of MM Lee) is a highly acclaimed neurologist, having beaten top British researcher Simon Shorvon in a fair, head-to-head operating competition refereed by her father, MM Lee. Mr. Philip Yeo appeared dazed going into the operating room, and strangely asked where the whales were, upon seeing Dr. Lee.

Penis size to replace penis presence as test for NS liability

7 March 2007

Currently National Service liability is determined by a simple rule: “Do you have a penis or not?” All Singaporeans with a penis are required to serve, and all those without cannot. This arbitrary penis-based system has incurred the wrath of a number of Singaporean women who have demanded to serve NS. In 2005, MINDEF reported 32 cases of women illegally attempting to serve NS (13 of which were found with penis paraphernalia in their possession). To prevent future occurrences, MINDEF has increased scrutiny of the penises of new recruits. Rather than checking for only the presence of a penis on the citizen in question, the presence AND size will be tested. Only those with “verified” penises will be required to serve. Due to the well-known relationship between luxury car ownership (hence wealth) and penis size, this policy is expected to reduce the number of wealthy Singaporeans (with “unverified penises”) who will be called up for duty, improving the economy. Critics have complained that the new procedure does not address what to do with Singaporean men who have penises but do not use them. This includes clergymen (because of sin) and homosexual men (who are prohibited by law from using their penises).

MM Lee’s brain to be harvested upon his death

1 March 2007

MM Lee has declared that he will not “opt-out” of mandatory organ donation upon his death. In the event that MM Lee falls seriously ill, Singapore’s doctors will no doubt be on top of the situation and zealously harvest his organs as soon as possible. The most valuable organ is MM Lee’s brain, which contains valuable experience and information vital to Singapore’s survival. No one is sure what to do with the harvested brain, but many Singaporeans have come forward and volunteered to have their own brains discarded and replaced with that of the minister mentor. It is even rumoured that MM Lee’s brain could be sectioned and thus supply up to ten normal Singaporeans with replacement brains, each more powerful than their originals.

Political prisoner Chia Thye Poh at odds with Nelson Mandela over world detention record

17 January 2007

Chia Thye Poh, who was a political prisoner in Singapore for 23 years, is reportedly upset that Nelson Mandela is now widely recognized as the world record holder for longest-detained political prisoner. Mandela served 27 years in detention under apartheid before becoming the first President in the first democratic elections in South Africa. Chia, a physics teacher and member of parliament, was imprisoned October 29, 1966 for political reasons under the Lee Kwan Yew years in Singapore under the Internal Security Act, without trial, for 23 years. He was released to a one-room guardhouse in Sentosa in 1989 after 23 years in prison on the mainland, but was not allowed to leave Sentosa and had to pay rent for his room and upkeep. Chia apparently believes that the nine years spent on Sentosa should be counted toward the world record, making his total of 32 years in detention longer than Mandela’s.

Singaporeans are divided. “As Sentosa island is now a resort, it is hard to believe that 9 years spent there could be counted as ‘prison’,” said one. “Just being a normal Singaporean is sort of like being in prison too,” said another.

Singapore plans to win 2012 Olympic gold with talented committee

20 December 2006

Singapore has formed a committee to compete against committees from other countries for the gold in 2012. “Our committees are more talented than all the other committees. Our people can endure long meetings, little sleep, and obey instant commands from the team leader. We aim to bag a gold medal for Singapore,” said Minister Teo Chee Hean, who is also President of the Singapore National Olympic Council. The Sports Hub will also help the committee prepare for its Olympic ordeal, and some $5 million has been set aside. “Our athletes will practice holding long meetings, and this is one area in which Singapore is expected to greatly excel.” When asked about entering other Olympic events, such as swimming or jet-ski, Mr. Teo indicated that most of the talented Singaporean athletes have already been executed, including world jet-ski champion Shanmugam Murugesu. “We have a standing policy of executing the star athletes so that more funding can be given to our star committee instead.”

Gays threaten to increase recruitment over sex law revisions

15 November 2006

Singapore has decided to scrap Section 377 of its penal code, which currently bans penile-vaginal sex in Singapore. (See Singapore Donkey’s related Analysis of 377.) However, Section 377A bans only gay sex and will not be scrapped. Because Singapore is, by and large, a conservative country, lesbian sex is currently allowed. “The problem,” PM Lee explained, “is that Singapore is, by and large, a gay-hating country of mainly homophobic bigots. We need to make sure that their views are incorporated into our penal code.” As such, many conservative and religious persons have been consulted in the drafting of the new law. Section 377 currently provides life imprisonment for gays, while Section 377A provides for two-year imprisonment. Because Section 377 will be repealed (it currently discriminates against straight Singaporeans who like anal sex, not just gay people), it must be replaced with some kind of law that punishes homosexual men extra. The new, replacement Section 377 will reportedly proscribe stoning as the preferred method of punishment for gays. “Religious freedom is very important in Singapore. We tried to find some sort of punishment for gay people that would be acceptable to both Christians and Muslims. Since both the Bible and the Quran provide for stoning and/or execution of homosexuals, we’ve settled on stoning as an acceptable alternative to life imprisonment. After all, these religious texts are thousands of years old, so the traditional way must be the right way. This will also bring Singapore’s penal code in line with that of other modern nations, including Iran and Zimbabwe.”

The local gay community has reacted with strong protest, threatening to start recruiting more gay members from the straight population. Given how much freedom and tolerance gay people have in Singapore, the lifestyle beckons. Even some MPs may be recruited! This has many PAP ministers worried. Dr. Balaji Sadasivan (because of his nicely-decorated office) and Mr. Vivian Balakrishnan (because of his feminine name) are seen as especially vulnerable to conversion. Gays also plan to target the whole staff of the Public Entertainment Licensing Unit and the Singapore Police Force for active recruitment. They believe that with pressure and prayer, straight civil servants in these units can readily convert to gay. Meanwhile, some gay activists also blamed the straight people of Singapore for having so many gay babies in the first place, causing this problem.

Reports of Singapore’s sex law revision have caused furor abroad, with protests in the United States and Europe over Singapore’s plans to stone gay men to death. PM Lee assured the Westerners that “Singapore is not homophobic” and the Westerners went back home because PM Lee’s English sounds so soothing and refined.

MM Lee awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for refuting “Western” laws of physics

2 November 2006

The Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences in Stockholm today announced the winner of the 2006 Nobel Prize in Physics, Minister Mentor Lee of Singapore. The Nobel committee cited MM Lee’s efforts in proving that some “Western” laws of physics, including Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, were incompatible with Asian thinking and values. “Each country must develop its own physical model of the world. A liberal set of physical laws, such as those laid down by Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein (both Westerners), do not necessarily apply in Singapore.” MM Lee’s insistence that the laws of physics must be developed to suit the unique culture and values of each country has earned him the Nobel. Among the laws of physics developed by MM Lee include the following, with corollaries (b) being those primarily believed to be unique to Singapore. MM Lee will receive his award on December 10th in Stockholm.

Law of Inertia
(a) Ministers in motion tend to remain in motion.
(b) Ministers at rest tend to remain at rest.

Law of Conservation of Energy
(a) Ministers can neither be created nor destroyed.
(b) Ministers can, however, be changed readily from one form to another without loss.

Vietnamese domestic workers not allowed in Singapore because skin color “too light”

7 July 2006

The Ministry of Manpower (MOM) reported today that the current list of countries that may supply maids to Singaporean households remains unchanged. Currently only The Philippines, India, Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Malaysia, and Bangladesh may supply maids. “We must be careful to choose countries with darker-skinned peoples, so that we can easily tell the maids apart from local Chinese Singaporeans,” explained a MOM spokeswoman. “This is why we cannot allow Vietnamese and Chinese maids, even though average incomes in those countries is lower than in some of our current supply countries. Vietnamese and Chinese maids would be indistinguishable from ethnic Chinese Singaporeans, and that is a situation that we cannot tolerate.” She added that Singaporeans must be vigilant in identifying maids on Singapore streets, and making sure that they are treated appropriately.

No one sure what Professor Jayakumar is a professor of

2 July 2006

MP Jayakumar is often referred to as “Professor” but a survey conducted by Singapore Donkey revealed that NTU and NUS students were unaware of any class taught by this”professor”.  12% of students thought he is a professor in title only, similar to the “nutty professor” or the “absent-minded professor”.  10% of students thought he taught music appreciation, and the remaining students stated that they were too fearful to participate in any survey.


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