Today National Development Minister Mah Bow Tan announced that to balance development and conservatism, he plans to start a “Forest of Giants” project on the causeway joining Singapore and Malaysia. Being the first day, he got off to a good start by singlehandedly planting 3 giant trees (still saplings) in the dirt right at the edge of the causeway. Mr. Mah was giving a press conference while shoveling dirt and stated as reported by Channel News Asia that “…we are a very small city state, landlocked; development is important for us…” and, right after he mentioned the word “landlocked”, he stepped forward to plant tree number 4 and fell into the Straits of Johor. “I got my pants wet and dirty,” Mah reported after being fished out of the waters. Apparently the Minister, in his zeal to plant additional giant trees, forgot that Singapore was surrounded by water and not land. The good news is that he did not drift over to the Malaysian side during his time in the water. After his pants dried, he continued planting trees.
In a nod to Singapore’s growing supremecy in the field of maths education, Moose City, Alaska (population: 232) decides to adopt the Singapore system in its school district. This makes the grand total number of American schools actually using Singapore textbooks now 1. With 23,457 school districts in total, Singapore is making inroads into the American education system. While Singapore’s textbooks have been added to the list of approved textbooks in hundreds of school districts across the US, Moose City is believed to be the first school district in America to actually use them. In the US, unlike Singapore, the government does not mandate which textbook teachers must use, and teachers have freedom to choose their own textbook from a list of thousands of approved textbooks. Singapore’s textbooks, after significant investment and advertising by the Singapore government, are now included on many of these lists in America. Now that Moose City is actually using the texts, Alaskan students may soon be able to count durians even better than their Singaporean counterparts! PM Lee lauded Moose City’s choice of Singapore’s textbooks: “Yet again, Americans have chosen the Singapore model and are slowly recognizing that their own education system is inferior. Singaporean textbooks are now widely used across the US. Singaporeans should take note and be proud of the education system we have.”
Khmer Rouge Commander Duch (real name Kaing Guek Eay) of notorious Tuol Sleng Prison (also known as S21) is currently on trial in Cambodia for crimes against humanity. Lee Kwan Yew, who was a strong supporter of the Khmer Rouge 30 years ago, changed his mind about his former friend today. In an interview with Singapore Donkey, he reported that “In the early 1980′s I gave the Khmer Rouge $55 million. I didn’t mind the fact that so many ‘Kampucheans’ were tortured and killed by my Khmer Rouge friends in S21, but what really bothers me is that the Khmer Rouge lost the war and hence never returned my money. I also singlehandedly ensured that the Khmer Rouge was able to keep its seat at the UN for over a decade; that was free of charge.” With the ongoing trials, Mr. Lee now claims that the $55 million was in fact a loan, and not a gift, to the Killing Fields commanders. Singapore diplomats report that “Singapore will file a claim at the Cambodian court, so that if convictions are secured on the crimes against humanity charges, Singapore can lay claim to S21 assets to compensate Singapore for its investment losses in the Khmer leadership, which unfortunately has till now been a total loss given that Cambodia has democratized.” If Cambodia refuses to return Singapore’s money, “we retain the right to seize Cambodian assets in Singapore”.
Foreign Minister George Yeo reported that while many nations attended the controversial Durban Review Conference in Switzerland, his own delegation decided to skip the first day to take a tour of the city. “Geneva is a beautiful city, with a big water fountain in the middle of a lake. Just like we have water shooting out of the Merlion’s mouth in Singapore.” While other countries were busy criticizing Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s speech, Mr. Yeo pointed out that racism didn’t exist in Singapore “so why bother attending”. Besides, there are many nice flowers in bloom in Geneva. When asked by Israel whether Singapore supports the multi-nation boycott of the conference led by the US and European countries, the Singapore High Commission pointed out that “racism is not tolerated in Singapore, but we don’t mind if other countries are racist.” A staff member added that “the Iranian racism wasn’t against any of our races, so it is okay.”
The North Korean government today issued a stern warning to Singapore, after Channel News Asia (CNA) reported what it called were “lies started by Imperialist American filth” on its upcoming parliamentary elections. At issue were comments uttered on CNA that described North Korea’s parliament as a “rubber-stamp” parliament, and that only one candidate stands for election in each district.
North Korea’s state news agency KCNA also issued a release to agencies: “We will not stand for disgusting lies spread by Singapore’s state-run news agency, and stand ready for war at a moment’s notice if Singapore allies itself with the conniving Imperialist warmongers. North Korea’s elections are reserved for North Koreans, and pompous Singaporeans and Americans should keep their disgusting foreign faces out of Korea’s internal affairs. The DPRK [North Korea] is a model of good governance with an electoral system not unlike Singapore’s, with equally talented and qualified leaders that sometime must run in walkover elections due to lack of talent. CNA’s characterization of the DPRK’s parliament as “rubber-stamp” is fully refuted, and Singapore is warned not to heed the howls of the vicious wolves in the US.”
Minister Mentor of Singapore Lee Kwan Yew personally telephoned Dear Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Il to apologise.
Note to readers: KCNA is the Korean news agency. CNA is the Singaporean news agency.
Due to the anticipated long queues at Woodlands Checkpoint over Chinese New Year, Singapore’s Immigration and Checkpoints Authority (ICA) has announced a measure that will undoubtedly please Malaysians planning to return home for the New Year; the deployment of one extra ICA officer has already created a stir in the blogosphere. On public holidays, Woodlands Checkpoint is routinely jammed with queues lasting up to 4 or 5 hours at peak times. But no more. ICA announced today that a new officer, Mr. Tan, will be deployed to the checkpoint to alleviate the congestion.
Mr. Tan, an expert passport checker and part-time x-ray machine looker, when interviewed by Singapore Donkey, reported that waiting times are likely to be reduced by at least 5 minutes compared to last year. “This will prove to Malaysians that Singapore is efficient,” he explained. “Our airport immigration queues are less than 5 minutes long, with little candies to give to arriving passengers, and the impression left on our most distinguished visitors is that of uncompromising efficiency. Now, with only 3 hr 55 min queues at Woodlands, Malaysians too will experience a taste of our famed efficiency. With a 3 hr 55 min queue on the Singapore side of the checkpoint and a 5 min queue on the Malaysian side, Malaysians will certainly have even more to celebrate this year!”
On Sunday, 10th August at 11:10 am, an open seat on an eastbound train from City Hall MRT station was reported to Singapore Donkey by a concerned citizen. Normally, SMRT is expected to fill all seats and all standing space on its trains, so the recent appearance of a single open seat has caused shareholders to bristle with anger. Share prices tumbled in Monday trading. The Singapore government, a major shareholder, has been quick to respond. According to Transport Minister Raymond Lim, enforcement action may be taken against SMRT. “Government’s consistent policy has been to never allow any seating room on MRT trains in Singapore. Passengers are accustomed to standing in a tight formation, and any deviation from this may cause confusion. SMRT has assured me that the frequency of trains on the East-West line will be adjusted downwards from the current 5 trains per hour to a more sensible 3 trains per hour, so that demand is ‘better matched’. This will also help increase service standards and passenger comfort.”
With Mas Selamat’s escape from Whitley Road Detention Center (WRDC) fresh in the local news, it was disclosed that a number of foreign gurkhas were employed there. It is unknown why Singaporeans were unsuitable for these jobs. According to Minister Wong Kan Seng, the main job of these gurkhas is to “punish detainees, beat them periodically, torture them, and strip them down and cane them”. He added that there was “little oversight” at WRDC. This prompted many an angry letter to Singapore Donkey from readers.
S. Tan wrote, “We have enough foreign talents here already. We need to send the gurkhas back to Nepal and replace them with locals.”
L. Chan wrote, “I want a job that has a manager giving me ‘little oversight’ just like the minister said.”
M. Lee wrote, “I want to cane people.”
S. Lee wrote, “I want to cane people too.”
S. M. Goh wrote, “I think it’s time to mend fences and move on.”
M. M. Lee wrote, “I think we should mend the window first.”
“This time I decided to choose oak,” said PM Lee, “even though Dad wanted mohogany.” PM Lee explained that the old Cabinet in Parliament was getting worn out. “So many of the ministers kept storing odds and ends in the old cedar cabinet that the brass hinges got loose and started to fly off.” Some of the present ministers will be banned from accessing the new oak cabinet. No women will be allowed into the Cabinet either. Along these lines, Minister Vivian Balakrishnan will only be allowed to access it once per week, instead of twice as was the case before, since he was eating too many snacks on his own. “The key function of the Cabinet ministers,” explained PM Lee, “is to run and fetch me and my dad snacks from the oak Cabinet during our meetings.” He also explained that Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng’s main job is to make sure that the door to the toilet “stays closed” so that odors don’t drift into the area where the PM is snacking while crafting policy.
Over one week ago, Singapore police arrested several protesters, including prominent members of the Singapore Democratic Party, for demonstrating against rising prices in Singapore. While it was initially thought that the protesters were violating the law banning public gatherings of more than four people, ASP William Goh, a police officer on the scene, explained to Singapore Donkey that the protesters were not actually the main problem (as they were nonviolent and peaceful), but the signs they were carrying were a gross violation of the law.
The main problem is that the placards had words on them, and that some Singaporeans might be able to read them. Prominent lawyer representing many opposition members M. Ravi reported that while most of those arrested for protesting will likely only get “a year or two” in prison, the signs might be locked away indefinitely! “It is not uncommon for placards to be burned alive in Singapore, without ever being read. This is to serve as a deterrent to others thinking of putting words onto papers.” The offending sign had the gall to have written “NO to PAP GREED” on it. Another sign actually reported the salary of the prime minister! ASP William Goh explained that while most Singaporeans wouldn’t understand the complexities of the law, “a few might be able to read”.
Mr. Adam Bellow, author of the esteemed book “In Praise of Nepotism: A Natural History”, first published in 2003, is scheduled to arrive in Singapore later this week to accept a plaque and gift basket from PM Lee. It is also rumoured that Mr. Bellow will be given honorary citizenship by President S.R. Nathan for his substantial efforts over the years in promoting Singapore’s image internationally. In a press release from the Prime Minister’s office, the award has “nothing to do with the book, but rather Mr. Bellow’s renowned accomplishments in promoting Singapore in general.” Mr. Lee further personally remarked that any journalist, particularly those from the Financial Times, who mentions the book in connection with Singapore or its unique political situation, risk lawsuit and financial ruin. “Mr. Bellow has done so much for Singapore, especially his efforts at convincing Westerners that Singapore is the first world country that it is, and it is time we repay our gratitude.”
The sovereignty of a rock, known as Pulau Batu Putih in Malaysia and Pedra Branca in Singapore, has been called into question. The rock, physically closer to Malaysia and located east of Singapore, is home to many seagulls. Singapore insists that the birds are Singaporeans, while Malaysia insists that they are just birds. Singapore has dispatched a high-level delegation to the International Court of Justice in The Hague and has taken one of the birds along as proof. The Deputy Prime Minister’s strategy is to hold the bird up in front of the judges and ask them to compare the bird with a picture of MM Lee in his youth. If they think that they bear a resemblance, then the bird must be Singaporean and the rock that they live on must be part of Singapore.
The rock itself, while only the size of a football field, is of prime strategic importance to Singapore. This is because many Singaporean birds like to congregate there and ponder migration, and migration is a big problem in Singapore today. Malaysia, on the other hand, thinks that the birds should be free to migrate whenever they choose, and the rock is closer to Malaysia in any case. “Any sick birds will be promptly taken to a Malaysian hospital,” said Prime Minister Badawi of Malaysia.
Transport minister Raymond Lim announced today that Singapore was entering the Space Age, after hearing that Malaysia now has a man in space. “Singapore will establish a launch facility for the purpose of establishing a Singaporean presence in the galaxy. Residents within a 2-km radius of the launch pad in Bedok will be forced to evacuate, but will be given title to an equivalent area of land on the Moon.” MM Lee, due to his spryness, will be Singapore’s first astronaut and will be minister mentor on the new Singaporean lunar colony. Early next year, MM Lee will be launched into space, followed by other cabinet ministers. The Singaporean lunar colony is expected to be inside a “fairly small and deep crater.”
Prof. Kishore Mahbubani, Dean of the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore, was told to write “something nice about Singapore” in the Straits Times, so he searched long and hard to find a top, Western academic who might say that Singapore’s system is one of the best in the world. Although his search was unsuccessful, his August 9th article was ultimately published, and he made due by quoting one of his friends, Peter Schwartz, a former Philadelphia-area high school teacher whom he described as “one of the leading futurologists of the world.” While Singapore Donkey’s editors (in two months of searching) could not find any academic credentials for this Westerner beyond a bachelor’s degree in aeronautical engineering, what is clear is that Mr. Schwartz has nice feelings about Singapore. According to the official Straits Times editorial policy, any Westerner who has something nice to say about Singapore should be quoted. Mr. Schwartz’s comment will, without doubt, leave Singaporean readers with a lasting and completely accurate portrayal of Western sentiments towards Singapore (as published): “So the model around the world is increasingly Singapore, not the United States. Go learn from Singapore.”
PM Lee today announced that because the human rights situation in Singapore is deteriorating, something must be done. Since freeing all political prisoners and allowing free speech and public protest “wouldn’t be prudent,” PM Lee said that a new floral display at Changi airport will help compensate and “achieve balance.” The goal is to mesmerize visiting foreigners. “When they first arrive in Singapore, they may have a bad feeling about our human rights situation. But after they see all the pretty flowers and ride on our beautiful highway to the city, they’ll forget. So let’s plant some nice flowers in the airport itself. A mini-botanical garden, replete with orchids, will be installed soon.” It is rumoured that for each day Dr. Chee Soon Juan remains a political prisoner, PM Lee has to plant 254 flowers to achieve balance.
U.S. President Bush announced new American sanctions against the junta ruling Burma today, also known as Myanmar. He accused the military dictatorship of imposing a “19-year reign of terror” on its people. After passing new laws banning assembly and imposing a curfew, Senior General Than Shwe retorted that 19 years was “not as long as Singapore’s reign of terror” and that “Myanmar will not be told what to do by the U.S.” He then lost his train of thought and telephoned his friend PM Lee, also a former military man, for a good line, then continued after PM Lee faxed over a “zinger” from Assoc. Prof. Ho Peng Kee:
“Our laws are an expression and reflection of the values of our society and any public discourse in Burma on such matters should be reserved for Burmese. Foreigners will not be allowed to interfere in our domestic political scene, whether in support of the democracy cause or against it.”
The military junta in charge of Burma on Tuesday banned assemblies of five or more people after faced with massive protests from barefoot monks. Singapore Donkey has learned that Senior General Than Shwe decided on the number five after conferring with Singapore’s PM Lee, his close friend. PM Lee advised him to “set the number low.” Some ruling generals privately told PM Lee that they regret not thinking of this kind of law before, and also expressed admiration for his father MM Lee’s legal know-how. “We made a terrible mistake by putting our democracy activist [Aung San Suu Kyi] under house arrest. We should have put her in prison and sued her instead, like you did to your activists.”
Inside Burma, the state-controlled press lauded the government’s actions against the “communist-led” monks, and quipped that Burma’s new law banning peaceful assemblies of more than five people are 25% “more liberal” than Singapore’s law, which bans assemblies of more than four people. Singapore, along with China, is now devoting considerable resources to keeping the Burmese junta in power. “We don’t want the Burmese people to find out about some of the business deals we have with their dictators, especially those two rubber trees I own just outside Mandalay. Please keep the protestors from breaking off any branches.”
Singapore hired a record number of plain-clothes police officers in 2007, according to Mr. Goh Liang Kwang, Acting Commissioner of Police. “The main problem with the new recruits is that they dress too plainly, and Singaporeans on the streets are beginning to notice.” Plain-clothes officers are necessary to deploy for public events that may turn riotous, or where there is great fear for public safety. Examples include a recent banned gay and lesbian picnic in Singapore Botanic Gardens and a banned Worker’s Party cycling event. Both banned events attracted 50+ plain-clothes officers, some dressed very plainly. According to Mr. Kelvin Yeo, a plain-clothes officer, “We are trying to wear less-plain clothes, so that in the future we can do an even better job at keeping Singaporeans from rioting.”
Singapore’s Transport Minister and 2nd Minister for Foreign Affairs Raymond Lim, was on the AYE in his Mercedes when a lorry carrying 15 construction workers passed by. “I decided to wave,” Mr. Lim told Singapore Donkey. Mr. Lim was apparently moved to action upon hearing of the death of one worker and serious injury to 14 others when a similar lorry was in a horrific traffic accident earlier that morning. Because lorries hauling Bangladeshi workers have no seat belts and the workers sit in the back, there is no protection from grave injury during accidents. Mr. Lim is considering requiring lorries to chain the workers to the truck, “so that they won’t fly all over the place in a collision,” but thought it might put too much financial burden on local construction companies. Meanwhile, he reminded Singaporeans that they must buckle their seat belts at all times or risk a $300 fine. “Life is to be cherished. Don’t risk it,” he added.
Joint Communiqué—The Government of the Republic of Singapore and the Government of the Federal Republic of Malaysia, feeling completely refreshed and rejuvenated after our first ever retreat at the Langkawi Four Seasons Resort from the 14th to 16th May, 2007, jointly declare:
- That the two sides totally enjoyed our time together at the expense of each side’s respective taxpayers
- That the great success of this first prime ministerial retreat shall call for many more retreats in the future, perhaps once a month
- That there shall be no agenda, no bilateral issues, and no negotiations during such retreats
- That the two sides shall be left alone, away from the media spotlight and scrutiny, to explore the resort, play golf, and indulge in humanly pleasures
- That aromatherapy elixir massage, lavender infusion manicure and pedicure, DNA molecular regenerator facial, and mud bath spa treatment (with gold-flake sprinkles) shall be made available to all retreat participants, regardless of gender, age, rank, or nationality.
- That next time, more ministers, close relatives and friends will be allowed to accompany each PM to further strengthen bilateral relations
Issued at Langkawi on May 16th, 2007
Prime Minister of the Republic of Singapore Lee Hsien-Loong
Prime Minister of the Federal Republic of Malaysia Abdullah Badawi
Source: Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Republic of Singapore
During Foreign Minister George Yeo’s recent trip to Burma (also known as Myanmar), he noted that it was on the verge of collapse, and had taken along an old board from his residence. “This will hold it up for awhile.” Ruled by a non-democratic military junta, most countries would welcome a collapse of the dictatorship and a return to power of lawfully-elected democracy advocate and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, currently under house arrest. Singapore, however, does not welcome such a democratic transition. PM Lee has taken a personal interest in the plight of the Burmese people, and firmly believes that the military junta is the best option for them. “These democracy advocates are very troublesome,” he said. PM Lee has placed Singaporean democracy advocates under arrest from time to time, and so fully understands the threat that they pose to peaceful societies like Singapore’s and Myanmar’s.
Although Mr. Yeo’s board is expected to keep Burma propped up for at least a year, a longer term solution is necessary to shore up Burma’s foundations. It turns out that the main problem is agricultural. “There is an erosion problem,” Mr. Yeo reported. Therefore, he has penned a treaty allowing Singapore agriculture interests to help plant strong plants, such as hemp, marijuana, and coca, to hold the nation together. “This is a good solution for both Singapore and Myanmar,” said Mr. Yeo.
Malaysia was once known as Malaya, before its merger with Singapore in 1963. Singapore tourism officials believe that Malaysia has no right to retain the letters “si” in the country’s name, and that Malaysia continues to hold onto those letters as a symbolic representation of pseudo-sovereignty over Singapore. More importantly, however, the letters “si” that Singapore freely donated to Malaysia in 1963 made the slogan “Malaysia truly Asia” possible, allowing the present day country sans Singapore to reap billions in additional tourism earnings. Singapore is therefore demanding compensation, on the grounds that “Malaya truly Asia” does not rhyme. The law firm Drew & Napier, who routinely represent the Lee family in defamation matters, have drafted a strongly-worded letter to the Malaysian government on behalf of the Singapore Tourism Board to demand payment.
Chee Soon Juan, an academically-minded democracy advocate, is scheduled to be crucified in Singapore on Friday. He will be caned just prior to crucifixion. This comes after his searing words against whom he calls “Pharisees” crossed a fine judicial line. Chee had claimed that he would bow down to no king on earth, and claimed to speak for all Singaporeans, but he did NOT have a permit for speaking. (Speaking is prohibited in Singapore without a police permit.) Singapore Donkey interviewed Chee in Changi Prison, where he awaits punishment.
S. Donkey: Good morning, Dr. Chee. You owe a considerable sum of money to MM Lee and his son in damages for several defamation suits. How will it be paid off after your execution?
Chee: Render therefore unto Lee the things which are Lee’s, and to God the things that are God’s.
S. Donkey: So you aren’t angry that your estate will be given entirely to the Lee family upon your execution?
Chee: It is more blessed to give than to receive.
S. Donkey: A very good attitude! What do you think of MM Lee then?
Chee: For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? A man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
S. Donkey: Singapore is hardly “the world” though. It is just a city.
Chee: The rich man’s wealth is his strong city: the destruction of the poor is their poverty.
S. Donkey: You mean the poor Singaporeans? But these poor Singaporeans continuously voted the Lee family into government for almost half a century!
Chee: Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.
S. Donkey: Yes, Singaporeans are not into “weightier” matters! But we do like shopping. Is there any hope?
Chee: Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
S. Donkey: Yes, eating is the other great Singaporean pastime. What do you think of Singapore?
Chee: Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.
S. Donkey: And the Lee family?
Chee: For wheresoever the carcass is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
S. Donkey: And it seems you will be the carcass! What do you think of the judicial process that led to your sentence of crucifixion?
Chee: Good is set against evil, and life against death: so also is the sinner against a just man.
S. Donkey: How long do you think MM Lee will live?
Chee: All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
S. Donkey: Eventually. What do you think the fate will be of MM Lee and his wife in the afterlife?
Chee: But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.
S. Donkey: Why do you think that Mrs. Lee will also go to hell?
Chee: And she bare him a son, and he called his name Gershom: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land. And he wrote in the king Ahasuerus’ name, and sealed it with the king’s ring, and sent letters by posts on horseback, and riders on mules, camels, and young dromedaries.
S. Donkey: Indeed. Do you have anything else to add?
Chee: So the posts that rode upon mules and camels went out, being hastened and pressed on by the king’s commandment. And the decree was given at Shushan the palace.
PM Lee thrilled an audience of visiting foreign dignitaries last Thursday when he announced that he would be making a generous donation of S$30 to local charities. Mr. George Soros, who had once harped that Singapore is not an “open society”, was notably impressed, and exclaimed that he had “figured PM Lee all wrong”. “I thought they [the Lee’s] were mostly just snakes out to get as much money and power as possible from their society. This donation to charity really shows me that they do want to give back to their country.” Although PM Lee’s salary is the highest for any politician in the world, this donation to the poor demonstrates his philanthropy. “I want the people of Singapore, especially the poor, to know that I do understand their problems and hardships,” PM Lee explained. He added that he was only slightly worried that the decrease in his take-home pay post-charity might cause him to become corrupt, saying that he planned to keep enough to build a “nest egg” and review his own salary peg just to be on the safe side. “I will give this S$30 to charity, and I will continue giving, and hopefully allow others to experience something of the kind of life that I have been so lucky to experience.”
Many vistors to the Embassy of Vietnam in Singapore have undoubtedly noticed that the Vietnamese officials are raising chickens on their embassy grounds. The constant noise from the rooster soothes the consular officials’ ears during their duties, and makes Singapore feel a bit more like home. That was the case until last Monday, when a rooster ran out of the embassy gate. This act put the rooster squarely on Singapore soil, and outside the sovereignty provided by the Vietnamese Embassy grounds. Singaporean police were on top of the situation, promptly capturing the criminal bird and turning it over to prison officials for execution. When Vietnamese officials learned of the fate of their bird, they cried fowl, pointing out that the bird was their family, and that Singapore officials were cold and cruel, having not contacted the bird’s family (breaking diplomatic protocol) and having promptly executed the animal after a “show trial”. They also claimed that the bird is immune from prosecution, according to the Vienna Convention on Consular Relations of 1963. Singaporean officials responded that the criminal bird should have realized that bringing itself onto Singaporean territory warrants mandatory execution, and that Singapore has no extradition treaty with Vietnam. Furthermore, the bird was not immune because it had not been properly registered with the foreign ministry. A source familiar with the bird informed Singapore Donkey that the rooster was barely a year old, male, bright red with mixed orange plumage, and had never left Vietnamese territory before. It was the bird’s first trip to Singapore.
MM Lee Kwan Yew of Singapore was originally to have been awarded an honorary doctorate of laws from the Australian National University. However, due to criticism from Australian academics over MM Lee’s “oppressive regime” (echoed by Professor Michael McKinley, a senior lecturer there), MM Lee may not get the diploma after all. In a face-saving move, the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore has come to the rescue, offering to award MM Lee two honorary doctorates to make up for the one he may not get. One will be a doctorate in Defamation Law, and one will be a doctorate in Nation Building Science, two areas that the minister mentor is undoubtedly an expert in.
MM Lee also pointed out that Prof. McKinleys comment’s, which included the words “oppressive regime,” lack of “intellectual openness in [Singapore],” and “repressive” are grounds for defamation. “I am not oppressive,” stated MM Lee, “and I will sue anyone who says that I am.” The case is expected to be filed in a Singapore court, not an Australian court, however, due to the greater fairness available in a Singapore trial court.
Singapore’s efforts in becoming a regional hub gained traction today, when PM Lee announced a major reshaping of the island. “In order to become a regional media hub, arts hub, research hub, education hub, entertainment hub, conventions hub, charity hub, and commercial hub we must take concrete steps to tweak Singapore’s policies in order to maintain our leading position in the region.” While PM Lee has previously rejected calls to reform the legal system and electoral process, eliminate censorship, allow unfettered academic freedom, and legalize all forms of consensual sex, he instead believes that a more pragmatic approach to becoming a hub is best. “Changi Village and everything west of Jurong East will be flooded. HDB dwellers have 30 days to move,” he added. “This will allow us to become a regional hub.” Some residents in the inundation zones are unhappy, but nonetheless believe that this is a valuable nation-building effort. Residents will also receive adequate compensation for their properties, just like their ancestors when their kampongs were seized. In the current exercise, NSmen will do much of the digging, which will involve the destruction of all red zones (see photo) and shoveling the dirt from there into the water in the reclamation zones. The new reclaimed areas are expected to be auctioned to the highest bidder for the building of integrated resorts (IR) and luxury golf courses. After the sacrifices, Singapore is expected to become a regional hub.
Singaporeans are becoming increasingly worried that high import taxes may have serious consequences. Singapore customs currently imposes a 20% excise tax on snow vehicles (HS Code 87031099). If Singapore has a sudden snowfall, many are worried that the high excise tax will impede due purchase of necessary snow-clearing equipment. But Singapore lawmakers have indicated that their minds are closed. “This tax is necessary for our future, and will actually help out the poor in the long run. An offset package for the poor may include hand snow shovels.” MM Lee also indicated that the snow vehicle tax would remain on the books “whether Singaporeans agree with it or not.” He also explained that the 20% excise duty on hearses (HS Code 87039013) was necessary for nation building.
Insurance giant Lloyd’s of London, a world-class company in business for several hundred years, is to be purchased in its entirety by the Ng’s of Singapore. The Ng family has amassed quite a fortune in the local insurance industry, and plans are underway for expansion. This is yet another example of how Singapore is slowly overtaking major world cities such as New York City, London, and Paris to become the new “capital of the world”. The only setback to the transaction is that most people around the world are unable to pronounce the name “Ng” and wrongly believe that it is a misspelling of some other name. It is unknown at this time whether Ng’s of Singapore will be as successful as its predecessor.
Canada has responded forcefully to Singapore’s targeting of foreigners for recent increases in hospital and educational fees, and for giving Singaporeans housing subsidies. “We Canadians are disgusted with Singapore’s blatant discrimination and xenophobia,” stated the Canadian Ambassador. “When Singaporeans visit Canada, they pay the same fees as Canadian citizens at our schools, our hospitals, and they may buy any housing they choose at market prices. But when Canadians visit Singapore they are not allowed to buy HDB or resale flats, and must pay extra fees to use local schools or hospitals.” The ambassador also explained that while Canadian soldiers have to fight a real war (and sometimes die) in Iraq with their American neighbors, Singaporeans complain about their “light” national service war “games” which they use as an “excuse” to charge foreigners high fees for everything. The Canadian parliament has retaliated by requiring Singaporeans residing there to undergo regular HIV testing and chest x-rays for residency permits, pay extra fees at hospitals and schools, and to pay extra fees upon purchasing housing. Furthermore, Singaporeans will be eligible only to purchase the most expensive 10% of Canadian housing, as lower-cost housing will be “reserved” for local Canadians.
Citing incompetence of the new batch of MP’s English abilities, it was decided that a more Singlish-style mélange would enhance communication in Singapore’s Parliament. This would have two benefits. First of all, it would prevent foreign critics from fully understanding what’s going on in Singapore’s law-making body, and it would also prevent non-Chinese MP’s from understanding what they are talking about (just like in daily Singaporean life outside Parliament).
Michael Karras, 38, of Adelaide is likely to escape execution after being arrested in Singapore in possession of 495g of cannabis in January, just 5g under the death penalty limit. Mr. Karras had actually been caught with 990g, but officers from the Central Narcotics Bureau had been told that they were “hanging too many Australians.” Therefore a special officer, who had poor skills in using a mass balance, was called in to do the weighing. As his maths was poor, he counted the 500g mass as a 5g mass, yielding the suspicious cannabis weight of 495g. This is expected to save the Singapore government much consternation that would have arisen had they executed the Australian. Internal pressure is now mounting in the CNB to wriggle the Australian out of the mandatory 5-stroke caning penalty. Australian Prime Minister John Howard confirmed that Singaporean officers “might not know how to use a mass balance” and is demanding a full pardon for the trafficker.
The Malaysian city of Johor Bahru (JB), just across the straits from Singapore, boasts a robust micro-economy in the illicit trade of DVDs and VCDs. These include pornographic, obscene, and seditious or pirated films. The transportation of these DVDs and VCDs into Singapore is illegal, and many Singaporeans are unwilling to carry them across the border due to the mandatory death penalty associated with being caught at the checkpoint. This has led to many poor Malaysians and others becoming “DVD mules” to earn a living despite the risks. Singapore Donkey investigated three pirated DVD hawkers in JB and found that all offer DVD delivery service to Singapore for either a minimum purchase or a small fee. With the recent hanging of two young, poor “DVD mules” from Nigeria, PM Lee was forced to write a letter to the Nigerian president explaining Singapore’s position. PM Lee explained that mandatory hanging, even for a nonviolent offense, is necessary to protect Singaporeans from the scourge of pirated and pornographic DVDs. In one case, PM Lee indicated that the pornography contained in one car crossing the checkpoint contained enough “skin” to destroy 50,000 lives. Thus, execution is warranted, and is in fact the reason why Singapore’s bedrooms are so safe today.
On a recent trip to Sentosa and the Southern Islands to inspect development efforts there, Mrs. Lee, wife of MM Lee, was bitten by a mosquito. Although frightened and angry, Singapore is the place to be when such calamity strikes. A Singapore Airlines flight was immediately commandeered to transport Mrs. Lee and a 20-doctor entourage from Sentosa to Changi Airport, after which she was immediately taken to Mount Elizabeth hospital for treatment. MM Lee praised Singapore and its national carrier. “If such an incident had occurred in London, for example, the situation may have been much more serious.”
Reporters sans frontières, a French organisation that ranks the degree of sexual freedom in countries across the world, ranked Singapore with the likes of Myanmar and North Korea, by far the lowest of any developed country. The rankings were determined through a scientific metric that largely depended on the sexual performance of journalists, which in Singapore’s case is represented by Straits Times’ reporters. The low ranking was slammed by the Singapore government. Information Minister Lee Boon Yang said the index imposes a standard that fails to take into account “special circumstances” in Singapore, where he said sex must contribute to the nation’s development and is not necessarily enjoyable.
Lee said the RSF index “is based largely on a different sexual model which favours the enjoyment of the participants.”
“We have a different model in Singapore,” Lee added. “This model has evolved out of our special circumstances and has enabled our citizens and journalists to contribute to nation building,” he said, adding that the government “did not agree” with the organisation’s rankings.
Lee said Singapore’s sexual situation “has to be sensitive to our national interests. Singapore’s leaders have repeatedly said that they would not change to cater to a more “Western” set of sexual values, and that they were happy having little to no sex.
To this end, sex in Singapore remains illegal for any use other than procreation. PM Lee chimed in, indicating that as Madam Ho Ching is post-menopausal, they no longer have sex as it would not contribute to nation-building. That type of non-procreative sex would also be a crime, as is oral sex, anal sex, and gay sex.
Ms. Chee Siok Chin has patiently and courageously spread the word around the world about human rights abuses taking place in Singapore, and finally the world has responded loud and clear. Said a spokesman for the World Democrats, “We don’t really care what happens over there.” Amnesty International said that they just like to report about so-called “abuses” but don’t actually ever do anything about them. “We just want to collect donations from our members by writing stories of torture and abuse, but we don’t really want to help. If we solved the human rights problems, then there would be nothing left for us to do.” Dismayed, Ms. Chee has also approached the European Parliament, which responded by stating, “We don’t give a shit about human rights in Singapore.” The US Embassy furthered that they don’t “fucking care” about Singapore, after some initial confusion about where Singapore was located on a world map. The UN Human Rights Commission also expressed hope that human rights problems in Singapore would continue. “We earn high salaries, so we need human rights abusers like Singapore to keep us employed.” PM Lee Hsien Loong also jumped into the fray, stating that Singapore law prohibits foreigners from caring about Singapore, and any foreigner found interfering or “caring”, would be denied entry, sued, fined, caned, imprisoned, or deported. He also added that neither he nor his family members actually care about Singapore either.
PM Lee and SM Goh reportedly sat at their desks quietly on Tuesday waiting for their teacher, MM Lee, to show. However, MM Lee never arrived. It turns out that the tutorial session had been cancelled but that this information had not been properly broadcast. After the elder Mrs. Lee dropped off her son for his tutorial session, he became visibly happy when he figured out that school would be cancelled for the day. He had his friend Chok-Tong played finger-painting instead. The tutorials from MM Lee are expected to continue on schedule today.
After ousting elected Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra, Temasek’s Thai investments have not been doing well, especially Shin Corp. which has suffered a paper loss of over $1.5 billion. To mitigate the damages, Temasek’s chief Madam Ho Ching has reportedly bribed new Thai PM General General Surayud Chulanont with an offer of a luxury condominium in Singapore and a one-off cash bribe of $10 million to be paid out of Singapore’s foreign reserves. Apparently there has been a misunderstanding and the Thai PM had understood the bribe to be $100 million, not $10 million. It is unknown at present whether Madam Ho Ching will pay up the rest of the bribe. A conflicting statement from Foreign Minister George Yeo read that “Singapore does not always pay bribes”. When approached by Singapore Donkey to inquire about the use of national reserves for bribing foreign officials, President SR Nathan was found to be asleep near the bank vault where the reserves are kept. It is unknown whether Madam Ho Ching could have crept past President Nathan long enough to get to the money.
Pope Benedict XVI is in Turkey today, to help promote better interfaith understanding between Christianity and Islam. He was also keenly interested in spotting turkeys, which is one of the main reasons why Turkey was chosen instead of many other Islamic destinations. The pontiff was especially interested in seeing wild turkeys. Unfortunately, as none of Singapore’s ministers were present, no turkeys were found.
Singapore canes approximately 3,000 illegal workers and entrants annually, according to the Singapore Prison Service. A spokesman reported with pride that 2006 has been a record year in illegals caught. “Our methods of catching illegals are improving, reflecting improving efficiency in the Singapore Police Force.” He explained that the illegals typically have a darker skin tone from local Chinese Singaporeans due to their origins in surrounding countries, making them easy to identify for increased police scrutiny on the streets. If they are poor, they are quite readily rounded up and detained, caned, and deported. While this has not proven troublesome in the past, the increasing workload has upset the caning workers resulting in a work stoppage.
“We get tired after about the fifth caning,” complained a Singaporean caner. “The work is very bloody, and we tire of hearing all these strapped-down naked foreigners scream in agony all day. Can’t they take the beatings without making such noise?” Another worker complained of carpal-tunnel syndrome, caused by repetitive motions with his wrist due to the large number of illegal border-crossers to cane. The Singapore Prison Service is taking these complaints very seriously in order to avoid a possible strike. “Our caners usually like their jobs. We try to hire people with sadistic tendencies so that their jobs can be pleasurable, but unfortunately some workers simply complain too much,” said the spokesman. “If this work stoppage continues, it will be difficult to find replacement skilled caners. It takes several hundred sessions before a caner gains sufficient skill to maul the skin across the whole buttocks. The less experienced caners usually just cane near the middle of the buttocks haphazardly, resulting in much trembling and screaming, but only until stroke 8 (it numbs after that due to nerve ending annihilation). We prefer a longer, more agonizing type of caning with as much broken skin as possible. Making the caning as painful as possible is actually required by Singapore law.” Workers countered that they were not given adequate hearing protection to protect them from the immigrants’ screams. “The immigrants are usually very poor, trying to earn money to send back to their families (who are also poor) in neighboring countries. They should definitely be caned to a bloody pulp and then imprisoned. But not at the expense of our hearing.”
A Finnish citizen, Mika Johannes Sampovaara, indicated to Straits Times reporter Ken Kwek that he “likes” Singapore. So far he is the only Westerner who likes Singapore. Prior to his interview, it was assumed that Westerners only moved to Singapore for the money, and that after they earned their fortunes, they moved back home to their free, prosperous countries. It is still unknown why Mr. Sampovaara “likes” Singapore, but it is believed that he prefers such features of Singapore as no freedom of speech, caning, mandatory death penalty, and prohibitions on oral sex. He and his Russian wife, Tanya, never have oral sex. They also strongly believe that no one else should have it either. That’s why they moved to Singapore. They “like” Singapore.
Chee Soon Juan, after defending himself in court from charges of speaking in public without a permit, announced his verdict today, and Singaporeans will not be pleased. “Singapore is guilty,” rendered Dr. Chee, “and the punishment is 5 weeks imprisonment”. There is one bright side to the story, however. Dr. Chee has graciously offered to serve Singapore’s sentence for its citizens, along with his colleagues Yap Keng Ho and Gandhi Ambalam, and he is now carrying out that brazen act of charity within the confines of Queenstown Remand Prison. Singaporeans mostly didn’t notice, and some believed that Dr. Chee’s sacrifice is not really a sacrifice, as daily Singaporean life is not significantly different from life in prison.
MM Lee and Mrs. Lee are traveling again this month, just weeks after MM Lee wrapped up a gaming trip to Las Vegas and tour of the United States. When interviewed by Singapore Donkey, MM Lee had much to say. “We like to travel. And with Singapore taxpayers paying all our expenses, in addition to my mentoring salary, it makes for a very nice retirement. I spend most of my time eating nice dinners, drinking fine wines, gambling, and making speeches about my success as former prime minister.” Mrs. Lee also expects that she will very much enjoy her upcoming trip to France and the Middle East, and she can rest assured that should she ever feel ill on her trip, Singapore Airlines stands ready to ferry her back to Singapore for treatment at a moment’s notice. “It is good to escape Singapore from time to time. It’s quite boring, and so long as our vacation is not at our own expense, France provides a nice getaway.” MM Lee also reported that he planned to see a performance at Crazy Horse Paris, to verify that Crazy Horse Singapore is more family-friendly.
Dr. Chee Soon Juan, arriving at Sub Court No. 25 today to defend himself against criminal charges of speaking in public earlier this year without a permit, found himself in hot water when he showed up at court without a permit to be in court. Upon seeing Dr. Chee walk into the courtroom, Judge Eddy Tham immediately asked for his police permit. Dr. Chee replied that the police had refused to issue him a permit to appear in court for his defense. A spokesman for the Jurong Police Division confirmed that Chee had not been issued a permit due to “public safety concerns”. Judge Tham then rendered a guilty verdict. Chee, upon protesting the fairness of the court proceedings, was then sentenced to 12 days in jail for questioning the fairness of the Singapore judicial system. In the afternoon, Chee appealed to the High Court in the form of a Criminal Motions which claimed that court rules were not properly followed. Later today, High Court Judge Choo Han Teck dismissed the motions without reading them and ruled that Dr. Chee must bear the full cost of the proceedings.
Malaysia-Singapore relations turned frosty today after the unveiling of a new Lee Kwan Yew outdoor white marble statue in Singapore, commissioned at a cost to Singapore taxpayers of $2.3 million. Malaysian diplomats protested immediately, claiming that such a bold move by Singapore would further damage bilateral relations and unnecessarily frighten Malaysian citizens, who often become uneasy when the minister mentor appears in public. Since the statue is in full view of the public at all times, the unveiling may be viewed as an aggressive move by Singapore, designed to frighten citizens of neighbouring countries.
Minister Mentor Lee is in the last leg of a trip to the US, where he earlier met Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in Washington. He is now in Las Vegas to get a glimpse of what Singapore may be like with casinos, and, accompanied by Rumsfeld, attended a high stakes poker game in Sands Las Vegas. While MM Lee did not wager any of his own personal wealth, he has reportedly lost Singapore to US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on an “all-in” hand of Texas hold-em no limit poker. Rumsfeld stated that “MM Lee has a good poker face, but he was distracted by his talking about Iraq and giving us a lot of advice. I basically ignored him and concentrated on the game.” MM Lee often gives advice to other countries on his trips abroad, and MM Lee’s trove of experience in invading and occupying other countries will doubtless prove useful to other US officials. Rumsfeld on the other hand, said that now that he owns Singapore, he plans to run it like a business, with “long working hours, few days off, and 2-year mandatory company training with no pay” and that as the owner, he will not reveal detailed financial data about his company to its workers. He added that Singapore will also be an ideal place to send his Guantanamo detainees, where they can be easily caned and held indefinitely without trial under Singapore law.
PM Lee communicated by phone with Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono this week, planning to complain about the haze situation in Singapore. However, he was coughing a lot and the Indonesian had a hard time understanding him. Mindful of the prime minister’s ego and careful not to hurt his reputation, he decided it best if he didn’t ask PM Lee to repeat what he was saying. It is rumoured that because Indonesian officials were unable to understand PM Lee, they are unaware of Singapore’s complaints about the haze, as they have been unaware for the last 14 years. The Singapore government assured the public that they are taking care of the problem as they always have.
Human rights lawyer M. Ravi escaped from the mental institution where he had been involuntarily committed. A search for the crazed man is ongoing, and involving a large fraction of Singapore Police Force officers. “We are using approximately 95% of our force’s resources in the pursuit of the lawyer,” noted a SPF spokesman, adding that the force is also pursuing any who help and harbor Mr. Ravi. “While this will take away from our ability to fight crime such as burglary, assaults, etc., Mr. Ravi represents a much greater threat to our country and we need to get him under control.” He is believed armed and very dangerous, in spite of the fact that he was wearing a government-issued straitjacket at the time of his escape.
A large ostrich was spotted just outside Parliament Building with its head in the dirt. First believed to be a zoo escapee, security was dispatched straight away and it was discovered that the alleged ostrich was actually Senior Minister Goh. He explained that he was trying to spot any potential corruption or wrongdoing by Singapore officials. This is necessary for good governance, to be always vigilant and maintain a clean and efficient Parliament. He had simply spotted some dirt, and in the course of his investigation of the soil, was mistaken for an ostrich.
Chinese Embassy officials present during the protest of local Falun Gong members could not concentrate because of the sounds of the large gongs carried by the protesters. “Striking a gong makes a loud and annoying noise,” said a Chinese diplomat. “That’s why we have banned Falun Gong in China, and we hope that Singapore will follow suit.” Lawyer M. Ravi retorted that “gongs are not loud, and are one of the few classical Chinese inventions that had a major impact on modern society.”