God turns NMP Thio Li-Ann into pillar of salt during Parliament speech

NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann was giving a beautiful and engrossing speech about sodomy in Parliment on 23 October, in which she mentioned anal cancer, fecal waste, “bare-backing”, strong family values, “bully-boy tactics”, and “bug-chasing”. She mentioned how much her NUS students enjoy her lectures, which contain discussions on different aspects of gay sex, a topic always dear to the professor’s heart. After calling gays “obscene”, “vile”, “depraved”, “intellectually disingenous”, “moral deviants”, “hedonists” and pleaded that Singapore “not be subject to the tyranny of the undemocratic minority”, she wrapped up her speech with this statement: “Sir, let speaking in the public square with reason, passion, honesty, civility, even grace, be the mark of a Citizen of Singapore.” At this very moment, the LORD’s hand rained upon NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; and she looked back behind her, and she became a pillar of salt.

NMP Thio Li-Ann offers to change gays to straights through compassionate sex

In an impassioned speech presented in Parliament on 23 October, NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann stated that gays can change. Homosexuality, she claimed, is likely caused by “a distant father, overbearing mother and sexual abuse by a family friend.” While she lauded the removal of S377 of the penal code and is personally looking forward to a round of anal sex with both men and women soon, she believes that men who want only gay sex deserve either jail under S377A or help. “While difficult, change is possible and a compassionate society would help those wanting to fulfill their heterosexual potential.” The professor has therefore started a web page under the NUS Law School’s for gay people to sign up for a session of sex with her and fulfill that potential. “There is hope,” she stated in her speech. The web page contains a list of different types of sex that gays will be allowed to have with her once the penal code amendments are passed, including oral sex, anal sex, and traditional vaginal-penile sex. The hope is that with the repealed S377, she will have more types of sex to offer in order to convert gays into straights. This, she believes, will help build a compassionate society.

Financial Times to re-run previous issues on 5-year cycle to avoid hassle of reporting

The Financial Times today printed an apology and agreed to pay damages to MM Lee, PM Lee, and Ms. Ho Ching over an allegedly defamatory article it published in late September. The article alleged that MM Lee helped source PM Lee as his replacement, who then helped others in his family get lucrative government positions. “That explanation was inexcusable, baseless, and completely inaccurate,” stated the printed apology. “MM Lee had nothing to do with PM Lee being selected as prime minister. At the time PM Goh was in office, MM Lee held a meeting where all ministers were told to count as high as they could, and the winner could be PM. Then-PM Goh counted to 150 before stumbling which would have earned him another term. At that very moment though, the younger Lee climbed up onto his father’s shoulders and counted to 66.6. As his counting height was 0.5 meters higher than Goh’s head, he became the new PM. We regret any harm done to PM Lee’s reputation and will gladly compensate him and his family for having printed the earlier, inaccurate version of events.”

To avoid future trouble, the Financial Times has agreed to pay weekly damages to the Lee family “just in case” and has further agreed to stop publishing new articles in its papers sold within Singapore. Like television, they plan to make due with re-runs. This is expected to increase the quality of Singapore’s already-sterling-reputation journalism scene, since all articles will have been pre-read by the populace. The FT is expected to re-run articles on a five-year “natural cycle” so that Singaporeans won’t notice any difference between their new, unique edition of the FT and the standard edition.

MM Lee to be launched into outer space

Transport minister Raymond Lim announced today that Singapore was entering the Space Age, after hearing that Malaysia now has a man in space. “Singapore will establish a launch facility for the purpose of establishing a Singaporean presence in the galaxy. Residents within a 2-km radius of the launch pad in Bedok will be forced to evacuate, but will be given title to an equivalent area of land on the Moon.” MM Lee, due to his spryness, will be Singapore’s first astronaut and will be minister mentor on the new Singaporean lunar colony. Early next year, MM Lee will be launched into space, followed by other cabinet ministers. The Singaporean lunar colony is expected to be inside a “fairly small and deep crater.”

Obscure Western academic says Singapore is a model for the world

Prof. Kishore Mahbubani, Dean of the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore, was told to write “something nice about Singapore” in the Straits Times, so he searched long and hard to find a top, Western academic who might say that Singapore’s system is one of the best in the world. Although his search was unsuccessful, his August 9th article was ultimately published, and he made due by quoting one of his friends, Peter Schwartz, a former Philadelphia-area high school teacher whom he described as “one of the leading futurologists of the world.” While Singapore Donkey’s editors (in two months of searching) could not find any academic credentials for this Westerner beyond a bachelor’s degree in aeronautical engineering, what is clear is that Mr. Schwartz has nice feelings about Singapore. According to the official Straits Times editorial policy, any Westerner who has something nice to say about Singapore should be quoted. Mr. Schwartz’s comment will, without doubt, leave Singaporean readers with a lasting and completely accurate portrayal of Western sentiments towards Singapore (as published): “So the model around the world is increasingly Singapore, not the United States. Go learn from Singapore.”