New floral display at airport to compensate for human rights problems

PM Lee today announced that because the human rights situation in Singapore is deteriorating, something must be done. Since freeing all political prisoners and allowing free speech and public protest “wouldn’t be prudent,” PM Lee said that a new floral display at Changi airport will help compensate and “achieve balance.” The goal is to mesmerize visiting foreigners. “When they first arrive in Singapore, they may have a bad feeling about our human rights situation. But after they see all the pretty flowers and ride on our beautiful highway to the city, they’ll forget. So let’s plant some nice flowers in the airport itself. A mini-botanical garden, replete with orchids, will be installed soon.” It is rumoured that for each day Dr. Chee Soon Juan remains a political prisoner, PM Lee has to plant 254 flowers to achieve balance.

Burma dictator asks friend PM Lee for good “one-liner” against Bush

U.S. President Bush announced new American sanctions against the junta ruling Burma today, also known as Myanmar. He accused the military dictatorship of imposing a “19-year reign of terror” on its people. After passing new laws banning assembly and imposing a curfew, Senior General Than Shwe retorted that 19 years was “not as long as Singapore’s reign of terror” and that “Myanmar will not be told what to do by the U.S.” He then lost his train of thought and telephoned his friend PM Lee, also a former military man, for a good line, then continued after PM Lee faxed over a “zinger” from Assoc. Prof. Ho Peng Kee:

“Our laws are an expression and reflection of the values of our society and any public discourse in Burma on such matters should be reserved for Burmese. Foreigners will not be allowed to interfere in our domestic political scene, whether in support of the democracy cause or against it.”

Burma bans assemblies of 5 or more people to “keep it above Singapore’s limit”

The military junta in charge of Burma on Tuesday banned assemblies of five or more people after faced with massive protests from barefoot monks. Singapore Donkey has learned that Senior General Than Shwe decided on the number five after conferring with Singapore’s PM Lee, his close friend. PM Lee advised him to “set the number low.” Some ruling generals privately told PM Lee that they regret not thinking of this kind of law before, and also expressed admiration for his father MM Lee’s legal know-how. “We made a terrible mistake by putting our democracy activist [Aung San Suu Kyi] under house arrest. We should have put her in prison and sued her instead, like you did to your activists.”

Inside Burma, the state-controlled press lauded the government’s actions against the “communist-led” monks, and quipped that Burma’s new law banning peaceful assemblies of more than five people are 25% “more liberal” than Singapore’s law, which bans assemblies of more than four people. Singapore, along with China, is now devoting considerable resources to keeping the Burmese junta in power. “We don’t want the Burmese people to find out about some of the business deals we have with their dictators, especially those two rubber trees I own just outside Mandalay.  Please keep the protestors from breaking off any branches.”

Deaths mount after 4 years of bar-top dancing

Bar-top dancing was legalised in Singapore in September, 2003 and this week marks the 4-year anniversary of the policy change. Unfortunately, since liberalisation there have been at least 1,240 deaths from people falling off bar-tops. This prompted Vivian Balakrishnan to remark in Parliament today, “I told you so.” It was he who had originally spoken out vehemently against the policy change, stating in 2003 the following and foreseeing the current state of affairs: “If you want to dance, some of us will fall off that bar-top. Some people will die as a result of liberalising bar-top dancing, not just because they have fallen off the bar-top. Because usually a young girl, with a short skirt, dancing on a bar-top, may attract some insults from some other men, and the boyfriend starts fighting. Some people will die. Blood will be shed for liberalising this policy.”