The Economic Development Board’s efforts in re-branding Singapore as an Education Hub have largely failed, a spokesman said. Therefore, rather than re-brand Singapore, the EDB has decided to re-brand Singaporeans themselves. A large cattle branding iron was procured, with letters “SG” carved. Each citizen will go through the nation-building exercise. The iron reaches a temperature of 500 degrees, and applied to the bare backsides of Singaporean citizens, causing a loud “sssssss” sound for a few seconds to create the new Singapore brand. EDB representatives recruited caning experts at Changi prison to help with the branding, since they are used to dealing with strapping down naked Singaporeans and hearing screams of agony. “It’s actually kind of fun,” said one caner-cum-brander. PM Lee lauded the EDB’s efforts, saying that many tourists would likely visit Singapore to see the new Singapore brand for themselves.
In the annual uniform fashion awards in Paris, Singapore’s female officer uniform won the top prize. The entry was not originally expected to fare well, as it was up against Versace-designed swimwear used by the Italian Lifeguard Association. What tipped the final vote in Singapore’s favor, according to Madame Yvonne Jaquard, chief judge, were the inspirational hats. “The blue hats inspire confidence and respect for the law. The officers wearing these hats will undoubtedly enforce the law sternly, but will do so in brutally fashionable style. These cute and stylish uniforms will surely attract international attention and improve Singapore’s image as a country of respect for the law, and a country of fashion.”
ChannelNewsAsia (CNA), Singapore’s award-winning 24-hour news network, suffered a news meltdown over the weekend and went off the air briefly. This was eventually traced to a frenzied search for lip gloss, required by MediaCorp executives for all anchors and correspondents. After winning numerous international awards for layout and beauty of its reporters, CNA has positioned itself as the premier news network in the region for viewers who like to see reporters with beautiful, luscious, lips, glossed to a high sheen. When the lip gloss went missing, the news desk mobilized in a frenzied search, but the cosmetics “gloss-box” (as it’s referred to within the studio) was unfortunately not located until after a brief outage. It was deemed by executives that this was acceptable, since good-looking anchorwomen are paramount to reporting of news. ChannelNewsAsia’s website perspective statement explains that “ChannelNewsAsia is created for Asians by Asians.” And unlike Asians in other countries who demand free and fair reporting from their media, Asians in Singapore demand beautiful glossy lips, and government-run MediaCorp will make sure that viewers are satisfied.
Joint Communiqué—The Government of the Republic of Singapore and the Government of the Federal Republic of Malaysia, feeling completely refreshed and rejuvenated after our first ever retreat at the Langkawi Four Seasons Resort from the 14th to 16th May, 2007, jointly declare:
- That the two sides totally enjoyed our time together at the expense of each side’s respective taxpayers
- That the great success of this first prime ministerial retreat shall call for many more retreats in the future, perhaps once a month
- That there shall be no agenda, no bilateral issues, and no negotiations during such retreats
- That the two sides shall be left alone, away from the media spotlight and scrutiny, to explore the resort, play golf, and indulge in humanly pleasures
- That aromatherapy elixir massage, lavender infusion manicure and pedicure, DNA molecular regenerator facial, and mud bath spa treatment (with gold-flake sprinkles) shall be made available to all retreat participants, regardless of gender, age, rank, or nationality.
- That next time, more ministers, close relatives and friends will be allowed to accompany each PM to further strengthen bilateral relations
Issued at Langkawi on May 16th, 2007
Prime Minister of the Republic of Singapore Lee Hsien-Loong
Prime Minister of the Federal Republic of Malaysia Abdullah Badawi
Source: Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Republic of Singapore
Students in secondary schools in Singapore are encouraged, sometimes required, to participate in charity drives. They can be spotted all around the island collecting donations for all sorts of charities. The main idea is not to learn about the spirit of giving or helping out, but to collect money. A local school administrator told Singapore Donkey, “These are the kinds of values we are trying to teach our children. It’s not about helping out a charity. It’s about learning how to beg shoppers for money. These begging techniques will help the children when they grow up and get displaced by foreign talent. Say, for example, that the charity involves childhood cancer. Rather than asking our students to learn about childhood cancer and volunteer to help victims or help out at hospitals, it’s much more meaningful for them to stand in a shopping mall all day and pester people for coins. After all, Singaporean children like to be in shopping malls. And if they learn how to ask for money from strangers today, then they’ll learn how to ask for money for the rest of their lives.”
When NUS Assistant Professor Yvonne Lee heard that consensual sex between males might be legalized in Singapore, she took action immediately. Her main worry is that gay men might not be thrown in jail for homosexuality. To prevent all the gay men from being treated fairly in Singapore society, or, even worse, in her NUS classroom, she needed to take bold action. So when MM Lee said that gays might deserve equal rights, she opened her mouth and pulled a big Bible out of it, and then started to hit MM Lee on the head with it. Her main worry is that fundamental Christians like her will not be tolerated (and may even be called “bigoted, homophobes, or hateful”) if gays are not sent to jail for punishment. In the Straits Times, May 4, 2007, she points out that if the gays are not punished, this amounts to “intolerance against religion.” And her religion, particularly, will not stand for intolerance. “We’ll send those homosexuals to prison, as the law stands, and ensure that they don’t trounce on anyone’s religion. We’ll cane them too.” MM Lee reportedly ended up with a big welt on his head from the Bible wound, but is expecting to make a full recovery. “She was hitting me quite hard, and screaming about gay people at the same time. I didn’t expect this to happen in Singapore. New York, perhaps.”
During Foreign Minister George Yeo’s recent trip to Burma (also known as Myanmar), he noted that it was on the verge of collapse, and had taken along an old board from his residence. “This will hold it up for awhile.” Ruled by a non-democratic military junta, most countries would welcome a collapse of the dictatorship and a return to power of lawfully-elected democracy advocate and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, currently under house arrest. Singapore, however, does not welcome such a democratic transition. PM Lee has taken a personal interest in the plight of the Burmese people, and firmly believes that the military junta is the best option for them. “These democracy advocates are very troublesome,” he said. PM Lee has placed Singaporean democracy advocates under arrest from time to time, and so fully understands the threat that they pose to peaceful societies like Singapore’s and Myanmar’s.
Although Mr. Yeo’s board is expected to keep Burma propped up for at least a year, a longer term solution is necessary to shore up Burma’s foundations. It turns out that the main problem is agricultural. “There is an erosion problem,” Mr. Yeo reported. Therefore, he has penned a treaty allowing Singapore agriculture interests to help plant strong plants, such as hemp, marijuana, and coca, to hold the nation together. “This is a good solution for both Singapore and Myanmar,” said Mr. Yeo.
Malaysia was once known as Malaya, before its merger with Singapore in 1963. Singapore tourism officials believe that Malaysia has no right to retain the letters “si” in the country’s name, and that Malaysia continues to hold onto those letters as a symbolic representation of pseudo-sovereignty over Singapore. More importantly, however, the letters “si” that Singapore freely donated to Malaysia in 1963 made the slogan “Malaysia truly Asia” possible, allowing the present day country sans Singapore to reap billions in additional tourism earnings. Singapore is therefore demanding compensation, on the grounds that “Malaya truly Asia” does not rhyme. The law firm Drew & Napier, who routinely represent the Lee family in defamation matters, have drafted a strongly-worded letter to the Malaysian government on behalf of the Singapore Tourism Board to demand payment.