Sea anemones condemned by NCCS for homosexual tendencies

The National Council of Churches of Singapore has issued a strong statement of condemnation of sea anemones (pictured above), because of their asexual, homosexual, and hermaphroditic behaviour. While scientists have found that the creatures are apparently born with these “tendencies”, the NCCS is not convinced. A statement was issued by NCCS and backed up by the Methodist Churches in Singapore as follows: “We consider homosexual acts to be sinful, abhorrent and deviant, whether consensual or not. The NCCS commends the Government on taking a clear, unequivocal and bold stand of neither encouraging nor endorsing a homosexual lifestyle and opposing the presentation of the same as part of a mainstream way of life.”

The NCCS believes that with prayer and counseling, sea anemones can change their sexual orientation, and that it is not a genetic phenomenon. Churches in Singapore support the Government’s decision to retain Section 377A, which proscribes homosexuality with caning and imprisonment. To prevent sea anemones housed at the Singapore Zoo from engaging in such “deviant” acts, Singapore Christian volunteers have agreed to stand watch at the sea anemone exhibit, and turn over any offenders to the police where they can be caned and imprisoned. The NCCS statement said “At the same time, we do not condemn homosexuals as the Bible calls us to hate the sin but love the sinner.” The caning and imprisonment is expected to increase the amount of love in Singapore, and bring more believing anemones to God.

Vietnamese Embassy’s chickens escaped, captured, and cooked, causing diplomatic spat

Many vistors to the Embassy of Vietnam in Singapore have undoubtedly noticed that the Vietnamese officials are raising chickens on their embassy grounds. The constant noise from the rooster soothes the consular officials’ ears during their duties, and makes Singapore feel a bit more like home. That was the case until last Monday, when a rooster ran out of the embassy gate. This act put the rooster squarely on Singapore soil, and outside the sovereignty provided by the Vietnamese Embassy grounds. Singaporean police were on top of the situation, promptly capturing the criminal bird and turning it over to prison officials for execution. When Vietnamese officials learned of the fate of their bird, they cried fowl, pointing out that the bird was their family, and that Singapore officials were cold and cruel, having not contacted the bird’s family (breaking diplomatic protocol) and having promptly executed the animal after a “show trial”. They also claimed that the bird is immune from prosecution, according to the Vienna Convention on Consular Relations of 1963. Singaporean officials responded that the criminal bird should have realized that bringing itself onto Singaporean territory warrants mandatory execution, and that Singapore has no extradition treaty with Vietnam. Furthermore, the bird was not immune because it had not been properly registered with the foreign ministry. A source familiar with the bird informed Singapore Donkey that the rooster was barely a year old, male, bright red with mixed orange plumage, and had never left Vietnamese territory before. It was the bird’s first trip to Singapore.

All Singapore workers to have salaries pegged to top earners

MM Lee Kuan Yew said in 1996, when speaking on the subject of ministerial pay, “Low salaries will not attract able men who are or can be successful in their professions or business.” These thoughts were echoed again recently, when Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan pointed out that because of the current peg of ministerial pay to the top private sector earners, “A minister should be drawing $2.2 million a year or more.” Because ministers currently earn only $1.2 million per year, an adjustment will be made. However, the government of Singapore has indicated that because of Singapore’s low performance in a number of other metrics, the salaries of all citizens will be pegged to the top earners in each individual’s profession. For example, a maid currently earns only $200 per month. Therefore, quality is low, and corruption is high. By pegging all maids’ salaries in Singapore to that of the highest-paid maid, quality will increase. This pegging will work for all sectors. Cleaners at hawker centers will be pegged to cleaners at NASA. Straits Times journalists will be pegged to Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists. Local television personalities will be pegged to Tom Cruise. After everyone in Singapore has their salary pegged to that of the top earner in their respective field of work, overall quality will increase. MM Lee said, “Low salaries will draw in the hypocrites.” This certainly won’t happen in Singapore.

LKY School of Public Policy to award honorary doctorate to LKY

MM Lee Kwan Yew of Singapore was originally to have been awarded an honorary doctorate of laws from the Australian National University. However, due to criticism from Australian academics over MM Lee’s “oppressive regime” (echoed by Professor Michael McKinley, a senior lecturer there), MM Lee may not get the diploma after all. In a face-saving move, the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore has come to the rescue, offering to award MM Lee two honorary doctorates to make up for the one he may not get. One will be a doctorate in Defamation Law, and one will be a doctorate in Nation Building Science, two areas that the minister mentor is undoubtedly an expert in.

MM Lee also pointed out that Prof. McKinleys comment’s, which included the words “oppressive regime,” lack of “intellectual openness in [Singapore],” and “repressive” are grounds for defamation. “I am not oppressive,” stated MM Lee, “and I will sue anyone who says that I am.” The case is expected to be filed in a Singapore court, not an Australian court, however, due to the greater fairness available in a Singapore trial court.

Philip Yeo admitted to National Neuroscience Institute with swollen head

While on an overseas guppy-studying trip, Mr. Philip Yeo, outgoing leader of A*Star, was found by overseas Singaporean students to be suffering from a swollen head. One student reported to Singapore Donkey that the civil servant’s head had swollen to “3 times its normal size”. Some students suspected that it had always been a bit swollen, but the problem was apparently getting worse over time. Upon returning to Singapore this week, Mr. Yeo was forcibly admitted to the National Neuroscience Institute and the attending physician, Dr. Lee Wei Ling, confirmed the scholars’ findings. Dr. Lee will be operating on Mr. Yeo presently. Dr. Lee (also daughter of MM Lee) is a highly acclaimed neurologist, having beaten top British researcher Simon Shorvon in a fair, head-to-head operating competition refereed by her father, MM Lee. Mr. Philip Yeo appeared dazed going into the operating room, and strangely asked where the whales were, upon seeing Dr. Lee.

Old Chinese proverb to accompany all parliament discussions

Ms. Sylvia Lim was reportedly roundly rebuked by a PAP MP in Parliament with the Hokkien saying, “Ai pang sai jia lai chway zua,” meaning that one should not take a shit without procuring toilet paper first. (Ms. Lim had argued that the GST increase is not necessary at the present time.) Although the use of Hokkien is illegal in parliament, an exception has been made because it was used in the context of an ancient wise proverb. PM Lee clarified that anything traditional Chinese is better than any kind of “modern” or “Western” wisdom, and should be encouraged in Parliament. Therefore, the new procedure in Parliament requires that all new legislation be introduced with an old Chinese proverb. As Parliamentary discussion moved to various topics, the following proverbs provided the necessary wisdom for Singapore (rephrased in English for clarity).

1. On ministerial salary increases, “有錢能使鬼推磨 (Ministers would humbly operate grindstones [for the good of Singapore] if properly compensated)” and “一人吃饱，全家不饥 (Singapore’s cuisine is delicious for all citizens.)”
2. On MM Lee’s continued influence in Singapore, “不到黄河心不死 (A man living far from the Yellow River will live forever.)” and “老骥伏枥，志在千里 (Old horses cause more damage if left in the stable.)”
3. On MM Lee’s justice system, “一將功成萬骨枯 (Ten thousand bones from executed Malaysians will build a pretty border fence.)”
4. On PAP MPs, “天下乌鸦一样黑 (Beautiful birds brighten the Halls of Parliament.)”
5. On the PAP after MM Lee steps down, “树倒猢狲散 (Planting trees on the streets makes them beautiful, but creates hiding places for lots of monkeys.)”
6. To honour MM Lee’s accomplishments, “人要脸，树要皮 (The trees must have beautiful thick bark.)”

Singapore to be reshaped into circular island to look more like a hub

Singapore’s efforts in becoming a regional hub gained traction today, when PM Lee announced a major reshaping of the island. “In order to become a regional media hub, arts hub, research hub, education hub, entertainment hub, conventions hub, charity hub, and commercial hub we must take concrete steps to tweak Singapore’s policies in order to maintain our leading position in the region.” While PM Lee has previously rejected calls to reform the legal system and electoral process, eliminate censorship, allow unfettered academic freedom, and legalize all forms of consensual sex, he instead believes that a more pragmatic approach to becoming a hub is best. “Changi Village and everything west of Jurong East will be flooded. HDB dwellers have 30 days to move,” he added. “This will allow us to become a regional hub.” Some residents in the inundation zones are unhappy, but nonetheless believe that this is a valuable nation-building effort. Residents will also receive adequate compensation for their properties, just like their ancestors when their kampongs were seized. In the current exercise, NSmen will do much of the digging, which will involve the destruction of all red zones (see photo) and shoveling the dirt from there into the water in the reclamation zones. The new reclaimed areas are expected to be auctioned to the highest bidder for the building of integrated resorts (IR) and luxury golf courses. After the sacrifices, Singapore is expected to become a regional hub.

Singapore Customs say snow vehicle import tax to remain in place

Singaporeans are becoming increasingly worried that high import taxes may have serious consequences. Singapore customs currently imposes a 20% excise tax on snow vehicles (HS Code 87031099). If Singapore has a sudden snowfall, many are worried that the high excise tax will impede due purchase of necessary snow-clearing equipment. But Singapore lawmakers have indicated that their minds are closed. “This tax is necessary for our future, and will actually help out the poor in the long run. An offset package for the poor may include hand snow shovels.” MM Lee also indicated that the snow vehicle tax would remain on the books “whether Singaporeans agree with it or not.” He also explained that the 20% excise duty on hearses (HS Code 87039013) was necessary for nation building.

Penis size to replace penis presence as test for NS liability

Currently National Service liability is determined by a simple rule: “Do you have a penis or not?” All Singaporeans with a penis are required to serve, and all those without cannot. This arbitrary penis-based system has incurred the wrath of a number of Singaporean women who have demanded to serve NS. In 2005, MINDEF reported 32 cases of women illegally attempting to serve NS (13 of which were found with penis paraphernalia in their possession). To prevent future occurrences, MINDEF has increased scrutiny of the penises of new recruits. Rather than checking for only the presence of a penis on the citizen in question, the presence AND size will be tested. Only those with “verified” penises will be required to serve. Due to the well-known relationship between luxury car ownership (hence wealth) and penis size, this policy is expected to reduce the number of wealthy Singaporeans (with “unverified penises”) who will be called up for duty, improving the economy. Critics have complained that the new procedure does not address what to do with Singaporean men who have penises but do not use them. This includes clergymen (because of sin) and homosexual men (who are prohibited by law from using their penises).

MM Lee’s brain to be harvested upon his death

MM Lee has declared that he will not “opt-out” of mandatory organ donation upon his death. In the event that MM Lee falls seriously ill, Singapore’s doctors will no doubt be on top of the situation and zealously harvest his organs as soon as possible. The most valuable organ is MM Lee’s brain, which contains valuable experience and information vital to Singapore’s survival. No one is sure what to do with the harvested brain, but many Singaporeans have come forward and volunteered to have their own brains discarded and replaced with that of the minister mentor. It is even rumoured that MM Lee’s brain could be sectioned and thus supply up to ten normal Singaporeans with replacement brains, each more powerful than their originals.