Singapore Donkey conducted a detailed comparison of the photographs in the PAP calendar sent out to constituents from the town councils to the actual faces of the MPs. The photographs were surprisingly doctored, making MPs appear between 10 and 20 years younger, with minor facial blemishes suspiciously absent from the beautiful photographs in the calendar, which on first sight made Singapore Donkey editors believe that Singapore may in fact have the most attractive government in the world (in terms of skin tone – smooth, creamy, yet not too transparent). Curiously, MM Lee’s photograph was doctored to make him appear older.
Following MM Lee’s admiration of the air conditioner as the most important invention of the 20th century, parliament is kept cold. SM Goh’s seat is located directly under the main vent, but he rarely sits on it, as he is used to a more warmer seat.
Insurance giant Lloyd’s of London, a world-class company in business for several hundred years, is to be purchased in its entirety by the Ng’s of Singapore. The Ng family has amassed quite a fortune in the local insurance industry, and plans are underway for expansion. This is yet another example of how Singapore is slowly overtaking major world cities such as New York City, London, and Paris to become the new “capital of the world”. The only setback to the transaction is that most people around the world are unable to pronounce the name “Ng” and wrongly believe that it is a misspelling of some other name. It is unknown at this time whether Ng’s of Singapore will be as successful as its predecessor.
Workers’ Party Chairman Sylvia Lim summed it all up on February 3rd in a discussion of proposed changes to the penal code. “While there is sympathy for the liberal view that people should be able to do what they want, unfortunately we are divided over this issue of gay sex,” she said at a forum. Party officials stated, “We like gay people because they might vote for us instead of the PAP, but we also like the idea of locking gays in prison now and then.” Ms. Lim added that her party mainly supports human rights for humans who are not gay.
The forum itself was held to celebrate the Workers’ Party’s 50th Anniversary. It turns out that the continued ban on gay sex is the main highlight of the party’s accomplishments in the last fifty years. (See Singapore Donkey’s Analyses of Section 377A and 377 for more details of Singapore’s penal code amendments.)
Canada has responded forcefully to Singapore’s targeting of foreigners for recent increases in hospital and educational fees, and for giving Singaporeans housing subsidies. “We Canadians are disgusted with Singapore’s blatant discrimination and xenophobia,” stated the Canadian Ambassador. “When Singaporeans visit Canada, they pay the same fees as Canadian citizens at our schools, our hospitals, and they may buy any housing they choose at market prices. But when Canadians visit Singapore they are not allowed to buy HDB or resale flats, and must pay extra fees to use local schools or hospitals.” The ambassador also explained that while Canadian soldiers have to fight a real war (and sometimes die) in Iraq with their American neighbors, Singaporeans complain about their “light” national service war “games” which they use as an “excuse” to charge foreigners high fees for everything. The Canadian parliament has retaliated by requiring Singaporeans residing there to undergo regular HIV testing and chest x-rays for residency permits, pay extra fees at hospitals and schools, and to pay extra fees upon purchasing housing. Furthermore, Singaporeans will be eligible only to purchase the most expensive 10% of Canadian housing, as lower-cost housing will be “reserved” for local Canadians.
Citing incompetence of the new batch of MP’s English abilities, it was decided that a more Singlish-style mélange would enhance communication in Singapore’s Parliament. This would have two benefits. First of all, it would prevent foreign critics from fully understanding what’s going on in Singapore’s law-making body, and it would also prevent non-Chinese MP’s from understanding what they are talking about (just like in daily Singaporean life outside Parliament).
Michael Karras, 38, of Adelaide is likely to escape execution after being arrested in Singapore in possession of 495g of cannabis in January, just 5g under the death penalty limit. Mr. Karras had actually been caught with 990g, but officers from the Central Narcotics Bureau had been told that they were “hanging too many Australians.” Therefore a special officer, who had poor skills in using a mass balance, was called in to do the weighing. As his maths was poor, he counted the 500g mass as a 5g mass, yielding the suspicious cannabis weight of 495g. This is expected to save the Singapore government much consternation that would have arisen had they executed the Australian. Internal pressure is now mounting in the CNB to wriggle the Australian out of the mandatory 5-stroke caning penalty. Australian Prime Minister John Howard confirmed that Singaporean officers “might not know how to use a mass balance” and is demanding a full pardon for the trafficker.
The Malaysian city of Johor Bahru (JB), just across the straits from Singapore, boasts a robust micro-economy in the illicit trade of DVDs and VCDs. These include pornographic, obscene, and seditious or pirated films. The transportation of these DVDs and VCDs into Singapore is illegal, and many Singaporeans are unwilling to carry them across the border due to the mandatory death penalty associated with being caught at the checkpoint. This has led to many poor Malaysians and others becoming “DVD mules” to earn a living despite the risks. Singapore Donkey investigated three pirated DVD hawkers in JB and found that all offer DVD delivery service to Singapore for either a minimum purchase or a small fee. With the recent hanging of two young, poor “DVD mules” from Nigeria, PM Lee was forced to write a letter to the Nigerian president explaining Singapore’s position. PM Lee explained that mandatory hanging, even for a nonviolent offense, is necessary to protect Singaporeans from the scourge of pirated and pornographic DVDs. In one case, PM Lee indicated that the pornography contained in one car crossing the checkpoint contained enough “skin” to destroy 50,000 lives. Thus, execution is warranted, and is in fact the reason why Singapore’s bedrooms are so safe today.