Chee Siok Chin discovers that foreigners “don’t give a shit” about Singapore

Ms. Chee Siok Chin has patiently and courageously spread the word around the world about human rights abuses taking place in Singapore, and finally the world has responded loud and clear. Said a spokesman for the World Democrats, “We don’t really care what happens over there.” Amnesty International said that they just like to report about so-called “abuses” but don’t actually ever do anything about them. “We just want to collect donations from our members by writing stories of torture and abuse, but we don’t really want to help. If we solved the human rights problems, then there would be nothing left for us to do.” Dismayed, Ms. Chee has also approached the European Parliament, which responded by stating, “We don’t give a shit about human rights in Singapore.” The US Embassy furthered that they don’t “fucking care” about Singapore, after some initial confusion about where Singapore was located on a world map. The UN Human Rights Commission also expressed hope that human rights problems in Singapore would continue. “We earn high salaries, so we need human rights abusers like Singapore to keep us employed.” PM Lee Hsien Loong also jumped into the fray, stating that Singapore law prohibits foreigners from caring about Singapore, and any foreigner found interfering or “caring”, would be denied entry, sued, fined, caned, imprisoned, or deported. He also added that neither he nor his family members actually care about Singapore either.

Singapore plans to win 2012 Olympic gold with talented committee

Singapore has formed a committee to compete against committees from other countries for the gold in 2012. “Our committees are more talented than all the other committees. Our people can endure long meetings, little sleep, and obey instant commands from the team leader. We aim to bag a gold medal for Singapore,” said Minister Teo Chee Hean, who is also President of the Singapore National Olympic Council. The Sports Hub will also help the committee prepare for its Olympic ordeal, and some $5 million has been set aside. “Our athletes will practice holding long meetings, and this is one area in which Singapore is expected to greatly excel.” When asked about entering other Olympic events, such as swimming or jet-ski, Mr. Teo indicated that most of the talented Singaporean athletes have already been executed, including world jet-ski champion Shanmugam Murugesu. “We have a standing policy of executing the star athletes so that more funding can be given to our star committee instead.”

MM Lee skips Tuesday mentoring session with PM Lee and SM Goh

PM Lee and SM Goh reportedly sat at their desks quietly on Tuesday waiting for their teacher, MM Lee, to show. However, MM Lee never arrived. It turns out that the tutorial session had been cancelled but that this information had not been properly broadcast. After the elder Mrs. Lee dropped off her son for his tutorial session, he became visibly happy when he figured out that school would be cancelled for the day. He had his friend Chok-Tong played finger-painting instead. The tutorials from MM Lee are expected to continue on schedule today.

New Thai PM complains that Temasek bribe “too small” to save Shin Corp.

After ousting elected Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra, Temasek’s Thai investments have not been doing well, especially Shin Corp. which has suffered a paper loss of over $1.5 billion. To mitigate the damages, Temasek’s chief Madam Ho Ching has reportedly bribed new Thai PM General General Surayud Chulanont with an offer of a luxury condominium in Singapore and a one-off cash bribe of $10 million to be paid out of Singapore’s foreign reserves. Apparently there has been a misunderstanding and the Thai PM had understood the bribe to be $100 million, not $10 million. It is unknown at present whether Madam Ho Ching will pay up the rest of the bribe. A conflicting statement from Foreign Minister George Yeo read that “Singapore does not always pay bribes”. When approached by Singapore Donkey to inquire about the use of national reserves for bribing foreign officials, President SR Nathan was found to be asleep near the bank vault where the reserves are kept. It is unknown whether Madam Ho Ching could have crept past President Nathan long enough to get to the money.

Pope visits Turkey but doesn’t spot any turkeys

Pope Benedict XVI is in Turkey today, to help promote better interfaith understanding between Christianity and Islam. He was also keenly interested in spotting turkeys, which is one of the main reasons why Turkey was chosen instead of many other Islamic destinations. The pontiff was especially interested in seeing wild turkeys. Unfortunately, as none of Singapore’s ministers were present, no turkeys were found.