Chee Soon Juan found guilty of appearing in court without permit

Dr. Chee Soon Juan, arriving at Sub Court No. 25 today to defend himself against criminal charges of speaking in public earlier this year without a permit, found himself in hot water when he showed up at court without a permit to be in court. Upon seeing Dr. Chee walk into the courtroom, Judge Eddy Tham immediately asked for his police permit. Dr. Chee replied that the police had refused to issue him a permit to appear in court for his defense. A spokesman for the Jurong Police Division confirmed that Chee had not been issued a permit due to “public safety concerns”. Judge Tham then rendered a guilty verdict. Chee, upon protesting the fairness of the court proceedings, was then sentenced to 12 days in jail for questioning the fairness of the Singapore judicial system. In the afternoon, Chee appealed to the High Court in the form of a Criminal Motions which claimed that court rules were not properly followed. Later today, High Court Judge Choo Han Teck dismissed the motions without reading them and ruled that Dr. Chee must bear the full cost of the proceedings.

Singapore frightens neighbours with new Lee Kwan Yew marble statue

Malaysia-Singapore relations turned frosty today after the unveiling of a new Lee Kwan Yew outdoor white marble statue in Singapore, commissioned at a cost to Singapore taxpayers of $2.3 million. Malaysian diplomats protested immediately, claiming that such a bold move by Singapore would further damage bilateral relations and unnecessarily frighten Malaysian citizens, who often become uneasy when the minister mentor appears in public. Since the statue is in full view of the public at all times, the unveiling may be viewed as an aggressive move by Singapore, designed to frighten citizens of neighbouring countries.

MM Lee visits Las Vegas, loses Singapore in high stakes poker game

Minister Mentor Lee is in the last leg of a trip to the US, where he earlier met Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in Washington. He is now in Las Vegas to get a glimpse of what Singapore may be like with casinos, and, accompanied by Rumsfeld, attended a high stakes poker game in Sands Las Vegas. While MM Lee did not wager any of his own personal wealth, he has reportedly lost Singapore to US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on an “all-in” hand of Texas hold-em no limit poker. Rumsfeld stated that “MM Lee has a good poker face, but he was distracted by his talking about Iraq and giving us a lot of advice. I basically ignored him and concentrated on the game.” MM Lee often gives advice to other countries on his trips abroad, and MM Lee’s trove of experience in invading and occupying other countries will doubtless prove useful to other US officials. Rumsfeld on the other hand, said that now that he owns Singapore, he plans to run it like a business, with “long working hours, few days off, and 2-year mandatory company training with no pay” and that as the owner, he will not reveal detailed financial data about his company to its workers. He added that Singapore will also be an ideal place to send his Guantanamo detainees, where they can be easily caned and held indefinitely without trial under Singapore law.

PM Lee coughing so much, unable to talk to Indonesia about haze

PM Lee communicated by phone with Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono this week, planning to complain about the haze situation in Singapore. However, he was coughing a lot and the Indonesian had a hard time understanding him. Mindful of the prime minister’s ego and careful not to hurt his reputation, he decided it best if he didn’t ask PM Lee to repeat what he was saying. It is rumoured that because Indonesian officials were unable to understand PM Lee, they are unaware of Singapore’s complaints about the haze, as they have been unaware for the last 14 years. The Singapore government assured the public that they are taking care of the problem as they always have.

Rights lawyer M. Ravi escapes from mental institution: believed armed and dangerous

Human rights lawyer M. Ravi escaped from the mental institution where he had been involuntarily committed. A search for the crazed man is ongoing, and involving a large fraction of Singapore Police Force officers. “We are using approximately 95% of our force’s resources in the pursuit of the lawyer,” noted a SPF spokesman, adding that the force is also pursuing any who help and harbor Mr. Ravi. “While this will take away from our ability to fight crime such as burglary, assaults, etc., Mr. Ravi represents a much greater threat to our country and we need to get him under control.” He is believed armed and very dangerous, in spite of the fact that he was wearing a government-issued straitjacket at the time of his escape.

Ostrich spotted with head in sand; later found to be actually SM Goh

A large ostrich was spotted just outside Parliament Building with its head in the dirt. First believed to be a zoo escapee, security was dispatched straight away and it was discovered that the alleged ostrich was actually Senior Minister Goh. He explained that he was trying to spot any potential corruption or wrongdoing by Singapore officials. This is necessary for good governance, to be always vigilant and maintain a clean and efficient Parliament. He had simply spotted some dirt, and in the course of his investigation of the soil, was mistaken for an ostrich.

Singapore bans Far Eastern Economic Review in move to become regional media hub

A spokeswoman for MICA (Ministry for Information, Communications, and the Arts) said today that Singapore has good reasons to ban foreign publications such as the prestigious Far Eastern Economic Review: responsibility, good governance, and accountability. “Singapore will become a media and educational hub. This cannot take place if all publications are allowed. We need to ban some of them to show that we are selective.” Unlike many other countries, Singapore only allows unbiased, responsible publications. It is rumoured that Singapore will soon ban more universities after its initial crushing-by-regulation of Warwick University, in order to improve its chances of becoming a regional educational hub too.

Falun gong protesters prosecuted because gongs were “too loud”

Chinese Embassy officials present during the protest of local Falun Gong members could not concentrate because of the sounds of the large gongs carried by the protesters. “Striking a gong makes a loud and annoying noise,” said a Chinese diplomat. “That’s why we have banned Falun Gong in China, and we hope that Singapore will follow suit.” Lawyer M. Ravi retorted that “gongs are not loud, and are one of the few classical Chinese inventions that had a major impact on modern society.”

Singapore apologises to Malaysia for having a “minister mentor”

MM Lee was fined $2000 today for violating Section 13B of the Miscellaneous Offences Act. He was also forced to send a written apology to Malaysia for saying that ethnic Chinese there are “systematically marginalised”. A Singapore court found that his words were insulting to Malaysians and thus a violation of the Miscellaneous Offences Act, section 13B of the Penal Code:

(1)(a) Any person who in a public place or in a private place uses threatening, abusive or insulting words or behaviour…shall be guilty of an offence and shall be liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding $2,000.

As MM Lee is now an ex-offender, the government of Singapore has officially apologised to Malaysia for allowing him to say anything.

Large-size woks banned because of possible use as illegal satellite dishes

Large-size woks will no longer be allowed in Singapore, according to a press release from the Prime Minister’s office.  The size and shape of metal woks makes it possible to illegally convert them to satellite dishes.  Since Singaporeans must be protected from undesireable foreign broadcasts on hundreds of free satellite television channels, the woks must go.  Plastic and glass woks will still be allowed, however.