NTU scientists report that “a few more gears” will likely get their perpetual motion machine working

Nanyang Technological University (NTU) scientists are on the verge of a major breakthrough. While labouring for countless years on their perpetual motion machine, the principal investigator reported that his team needs only “a few more gears” to get the device working. The innovation is likely to boost the university’s standing in the world from Number 3 (just behind MIT and NUS) to Number 1 (just ahead of MIT and NUS) and improve the reputation of scientific research inside Singapore.

Singapore accidentally overthrows Thai government

A military coup in Thailand has resulted from Madam Ho Ching’s Temasek Holdings investment in Shin Corporation. It is unknown at this time whether Madam Ho purposely wanted to overthrow the Thai democracy or not. However, at a recent meeting of ASEAN, leaders expressed concern that too many governments in the region such as Indonesia, Malaysia, The Philippines, and Thailand were becoming increasingly democratic and that this was pressuring more authoritarian regimes. An anonymous source in the Singapore government indicated that plans were underway to “take out one of the democracies” to relieve pressure, but it seems at this point that Madam Ho managed to do it accidentally.

President S.R. Nathan to continue drawing salary even after death

In a move to attract and retain the best and brightest talents in Singapore politics, it was announced that President Nathan will earn a salary indefinitely. This is expected to further increase the high level of transparency, accountability, and professionalism already present among top Singapore politicians.

SM and MM Lee to proceed with defamation suit against large rock

PM Lee announced that he and his father were bored, now that the defamation case against the Singapore Democratic Party has closed.  “We need to be suing someone at all times,” explained MM Lee, “in order to protect our reputations.”  Although there is one outstanding case filed on August 22 against the Far Eastern Economic Review and its editor, as a foreign publication with no local representative or bond money, it may be difficult to reach the publication with Singapore law.  Unwilling to sue the publication outside of Singapore because of unfair, biased courts in the West, PM and MM Lee decided to sue a large rock inside Singapore so that their total tally of won cases can remain high. The High Court is expected to hear the case against the rock, located near a Mount Faber walking trail, and damages could be awarded as high as $500,000 for the rock’s defamatory comments.  If the rock is unable to pay, its passport could be seized, it could be found bankrupt, and barred from running for political office.

Summary judgment text against Chee siblings “too long to be a summary”

Justice Belinda Ang of the High Court has determined that an open trial is not appropriate in the Lees’ defamation suit against the Chee siblings, she stated in a multiple-page summary judgment.  It was reported that the High Court was concerned that if Dr. Chee Soon Juan would have been able to cross-examine either of the Lee siblings in front of an impartial audience, it would have caused the ministers too much embarrassment. Therefore, Justice Ang ruled in favor of the Lees’ opting for summary judgment.  Dr. Chee was unhappy at this, noting that the text of the summary judgment was over a page long.  He felt that any text over a page long should not be considered a “summary”. 

Singaporeans “very surprised” that Lees’ win defamation suit against SDP

Singaporeans today expressed surprise that PM and MM Lee’s defamation suit was decided so quickly. Although patently true that the Lees’ were defamed in this case and all other cases, Singapore law makes it very difficult to win defamation cases.  “Singapore’s legal system is one of the most advanced and well-respected in the world,” explained the Law Society. This makes defamation suits extremely difficult to win in Singapore, because defendants are given great protection from frivilous claims by the rich and powerful.  Only in egregious cases can those who sue for defamation win.  Singaporeans were therefore rightly surprised when they learned that the Singapore Democratic Party lost its case, and so quickly, as this is indicative of how serious the damage to MM and PM Lee’s reputation must have been from the defamatory comments.