Some Guantanamo detainees transferred to Changi prison for more rigorous interrogation

PM Lee assured President Bush that prisoners in Singapore will be interrogated just as vigorously, if not moreso, than they could be interrogated in Guantanamo. “We don’t have pesky independent courts to keep us from using any and all means to obtain intelligence and confessions here in Singapore.” Also, since Singapore does not allow any international observers to visit its facilities, has no provisions of habeus corpus, and is not required to allow consular access to prisoners, military officers can rest assured that any “fun” that they want to have with the prisoners a la Abu Ghraib will not be exposed.

Eminem surprised that Madam Ho Ching not an actual “ho”

Rapper Eminem had never heard of anyone with the surname “Ho” before. On first hearing of PM Lee of Singapore and wife Madam Ho Ching, he appeared very surprised and asked why any minister would marry a ho. Madam Ho was then compared to “bitch” Lynne Cheney.

“But I just fucked that up so,
Fuck it, let’s all have fun let’s mingle
Slap a bitch and smack a ho“.

Singapore to expel Caucasians to promote Asian Values

PM Lee announced a new initiative today to promote Asian Values in Singapore. “The ‘ang mohs’ must go,” announced the PM. He explained that the presence of westerners in Singapore is eroding such Asian Values as importance of the family, importance of the elderly, importance of education, and importance of the People’s Action Party. The Singapore government also plans to expel gay people, intellectuals, and Japanese and Taiwanese (“They are too westernized”). PM Lee added that Christianity and Islam are not Asian religions. They should go too.

Jesus not turning the other cheek when it comes to seditious blogger and caricatures of Him

A 21-year-old blogger may face prison and fines because of cartoons he posted depicting Jesus Christ in an offensive manner.  Christians in Singapore, and Christ Himself, do not plan to turn the other cheek on this issue. “We hope he goes to prison for a long time.  Christ did not intend for us to forgive this type of behavior.  Only murderers and evil-doers can be forgiven,” a local Christian explained.

MM Lee constipated again

Doctors reported that they have so far been unable to relieve MM Lee’s most recent bout of constipation. “MM Lee’s constipation is one of the most severe cases we’ve ever seen,” a spokesman of Singapore General Hospital explained. Investors were nonplussed at news of the chronic condition, and actually expect the secretive GIC (Government Investment Corporation, managed by MM Lee) to perform even better due to a tightening of MM Lee’s investment conservatism.

SM Goh nostalgic for his former days as “seat warmer”

SM Goh is reportedly becoming lonely and depressed now that his seat-warming days are over.  “I am in a cold seat now,” SM Goh allegedly implied, and went on to accuse some members of his own PAP party of deliberately putting ice cubes under his Parliament seat to make the chair colder.

Dick Cheney accidentally shoots SM Goh after mistaking him for a quail

SM Goh Chok Tong arrived for a 2-day working visit to the United States today, and American Vice President Dick Cheney, who was hunting quail on the white house lawn at the time, mistook the senior minister for a quail and peppered him with bullets. SM Goh was immediately treated and is in stable condition. The vice president apologised and stated that although he very much regretted the incident, SM Goh did bear some resemblance to a quail.