SM Goh not told that Hougang lost to opposition

Sources in the Singapore government indicated that SM Goh will not be told of Hougang’s loss to the Worker’s Party.  SM Goh put his personal reputation on the line to win back the ward.  “As Singaporean ministers are acutely sensitive to their reputations, we decided it best if SM Goh be told that Hougang was actually won by the PAP,” our source said.  SM Goh appeared pleased after being told of the PAP’s win, and due to the strong support of the PAP party in Singapore and Singapore’s other finest newspapers keeping the Hougang issue out of the press, it is hoped that SM Goh not find out about the situation.

Lee Hsien Loong given new Mr. Potato Head set as gift from Bush

After news of the Singapore election results reached the White House, U.S. President George W. Bush immediately requested that a congratulatory “gift basket” be sent to PM Lee Hsien Loong.  An anonymous source revealed that the contents consisted of a Mr. Potato Head set with the optional extra-big feet attachment.  Mr. Bush also wrote a personal note thanking PM Lee for his support in the War on Terror.

UN secretary: Singapore troops “too ruthless” to be asked into East Timor

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked whether he would pressure Singapore to contribute troops along with Australia to alleviate suffering in East Timor, was hesitant.  “Singapore troops are simply too ruthless,” the Secretary General’s office insisted.  “Singaporeans are known throughout the world as extremely courageous and honourable, ever since they fought so bravely in intense battles with Malaysia for their independence a few decades ago. But we simply don’t need such skill and precision in our operations with East Timor. We are also worried that the Singapore troops will frighten the local population and this might work to our detriment.”

Sands Casino to NOT be built on sand, confusing construction workers

Las Vegas Sands has been selected by the Singapore government to build the nation’s first integrated casino resort.  However, the name may need to be changed in order to appease hesitant local builders.  “There isn’t any sand out there,” explained a potential contractor about the Marina Bay area.

NUS building sustains structural damage under weight of new S.R. Nathan and wife portrait

After the sweat died down from the gruelling campaign season for Singapore’s elected presidency, it came time for portraits of the new elected leader throughout the campus of the National University of Singapore to be replaced with new and larger portraits.  Unfortunately, the S.R. Nathan and wife portrait was simply too heavy for one NUS building to bear.  Just one day after the stunning new picture was hung, the entire side of the building collapsed.  An Iranian lecturer commented that he had once seen something similar happen in native Iran, where the Ayatollahs also enjoy having large portraits hung in public places.

PM Lee not concerned that the number 66.6% (666) is symbol of devil

Telling reporters and supporters about his delight at such a landslide electoral victory where he garnered 66.6% of the votes in his constituency, PM Lee added that he was not concerned at all about being associated with the demonic number 666, or mark of the devil. PM Lee is reportedly not afraid of hell, because his “daddy” will arrive first and pave the way for him, then “mentor” him upon his own arrival.

Police officer collapses under pressure during second Gomez interrogation

After eight hours of questioning yesterday, and another five hours today, some police officers are beginning to show signs of distress. One officer reportedly collapsed after five hours of questioning James Gomez today, halting the investigation into Mr. Gomez’s activities at the Elections Department for the day. “I just couldn’t take the pressure,” claimed the officer who collapsed. He also stated that he felt the answering techniques Mr. Gomez employed during the police questioning were “too harsh” and that it was like “torture” to be answered by Mr. Gomez for such a long period of time.

James Gomez complains that authorities “lost” his passport after he handed it over

James Gomez, who is being investigated by the public prosecutor’s office after he accused the Elections Department of losing his Minority Certificate, has now been forced to remain in Singapore because the police “lost” his passport during their 8-hour interrogation. The police claimed that they did not lose it after seizing it, and that anyone who claims that they did lose it will be sued for defamation. “James Gomez is a liar,” added a Singapore Police Force spokesman.

Police not sure what to ask James Gomez during 8-hour interrogation

Police officers, instructed by the public prosecutor’s office to seize James Gomez’s passport and detain him when leaving for Sweden, were not sure what to ask him during their 8-hour interrogation. Nonetheless, the officers did their best to investigate Gomez’s actions with the Elections Department thoroughly, often asking some questions five times or more, “just to be sure”. Among the questions asked to Mr. Gomez, were “What is your name?”, “Do you think that MM Lee is a liar?”, and “Do you have anything to add?”  Other than those, which took the first minute of the interrogation to answer, the police had trouble thinking of additional questions, so mostly spent the eight hours asking these three again and again.  “The Singapore Police will get to the bottom of the situation,” informed a Singapore Police Force spokesman.

Singapore journalist mistaken for corpse while covering elections

On Hougang field, a massive Worker’s Party rally took tonight which was fully covered by Singapore’s Pulitzer-quality, premier newspaper, The Straits Times.  However, those in attendance at the rally were unaware that the young lady with her hands over her ears was actually a Straits Times journalist.  It was reported by several people at the rally that the journalist had her hands tightly over her ears and her back was turned to the rally and bulk of the crowd.  One passerby thought that she may be feeling unwell, but upon asking if she needed assistance, her body tensed up.  “I thought she was actually dead, because rigor mortis is like that,” reported the man.