Party thrown by People’s Action Party “doesn’t have much action”

The People’s Action Parties, once well-known around the region in the 1960’s by ravers and hippies for the “action” that went on, no longer have any action, according to a Singapore Donkey survey of local partiers.  The survey asked which parties in Singapore were the most happening.  66.6% of partiers responded that the people’s Action parties have become parties for “old people”, with tea-drinking and conversation about which Mercedes to buy replacing the orgies and sexual energy of the 1960’s.  The remaining survey respondents indicated that the best parties for action were the Singapore democratic Parties, and the parties always get busted by the police.  A police spokesman contacted by Singapore Donkey confirmed that the organizer of those parties is often arrested.  “One time one of the party organizers actually bit one of our officers, after their party got too big!”  In Singapore, it is illegal for any party to have more than 4 partiers.  “In that case, the young lady, Ms. Chee Siok Chin, was the Number 5 partier.  We had a number of complaints from the public about that.”

PM Lee sends aid Mercedes to Burma generals

A humanitarian disaster in Myanmar caused by a deadly cyclone has left over ten thousand people dead and thousands more homeless without adequate food, water, and medical care.  Countries around the world have generously donated aid and condemned Myanmar’s military government for blocking food shipments to people in need.  Singapore’s leaders fully understand the severity of the situation and have also pledged to help Myanmar’s people.  “The main problem,” PM Lee stated in a press conference, “is that many of Senior General Than Shwe’s luxury cars were in the Irrawaddy delta region when the cyclone struck.  The loss of these automobiles represent an incalculable loss to the Burmese people.” PM Lee pledged Singapore’s continued support for the plight of Myanmar’s impoverished citizens.  “We will send eighty replacement Mercedes and Aston Martins to replace those lost in the cyclone,” PM Lee said, “and we have received assurances from the junta that this aid will not be blocked or redirected from the generals most in need.”  The five Mercedes vehicles are slated to arrive Monday, and the Aston Martins Wednesday.  “This aid will not only help those most in need, but will also improve Singapore’s reputation among the Burmese people and the rest of the world as a stalwart supporter of human rights and as leader in Southeast Asia.  We’ll continue to show the West what ‘Asian Values’ means in this part of the world.”  An elaborate ceremony has been planned to transfer the aid.

Complaints surface of gurkhas stealing local jobs

With Mas Selamat’s escape from Whitley Road Detention Center (WRDC) fresh in the local news, it was disclosed that a number of foreign gurkhas were employed there. It is unknown why Singaporeans were unsuitable for these jobs. According to Minister Wong Kan Seng, the main job of these gurkhas is to “punish detainees, beat them periodically, torture them, and strip them down and cane them”. He added that there was “little oversight” at WRDC. This prompted many an angry letter to Singapore Donkey from readers.

S. Tan wrote, “We have enough foreign talents here already. We need to send the gurkhas back to Nepal and replace them with locals.”

L. Chan wrote, “I want a job that has a manager giving me ‘little oversight’ just like the minister said.”

M. Lee wrote, “I want to cane people.”

S. Lee wrote, “I want to cane people too.”

S. M. Goh wrote, “I think it’s time to mend fences and move on.”

M. M. Lee wrote, “I think we should mend the window first.”

Low democracy doesn’t mean no democracy: NCPC

The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) has expanded its successful “Low crime doesn’t mean no crime” public education programme. The goal of the new campaign is to make sure that the Singapore public stays vigilant and prevents any democracy wave from taking root. According to an NCPC press release, this campaign will largely be accomplished in schools: “Democracy prevention should be inculcated from an early age. As such, many of the Council’s efforts are targeted at the youth and children in Singapore. Reaching out to this group is made easier by the fact that this is largely a captured audience, with most of them in schools.” According to a Singapore Police Force spokeswoman, “While the police do their best to prevent democratic rate movement, it is largely our stagnant culture that helps keep the democracy rate in Singapore low. We must make sure this culture doesn’t change.” The spokeswoman further added that the police will continue to target so-called democra-criminals for detention, arrest, and “a bit of brutality when no one’s watching,” so that citizens can continue to enjoy peaceful lives.

PM Lee has new Cabinet installed in Parliament

“This time I decided to choose oak,” said PM Lee, “even though Dad wanted mohogany.”  PM Lee explained that the old Cabinet in Parliament was getting worn out.  “So many of the ministers kept storing odds and ends in the old cedar cabinet that the brass hinges got loose and started to fly off.”  Some of the present ministers will be banned from accessing the new oak cabinet.  No women will be allowed into the Cabinet either.  Along these lines, Minister Vivian Balakrishnan will only be allowed to access it once per week, instead of twice as was the case before, since he was eating too many snacks on his own.  “The key function of the Cabinet ministers,” explained PM Lee, “is to run and fetch me and my dad snacks from the oak Cabinet during our meetings.”  He also explained that Home Affairs Minister Wong Kan Seng’s main job is to make sure that the door to the toilet “stays closed” so that odors don’t drift into the area where the PM is snacking while crafting policy.

Police arrest sign carried by opposition member

Over one week ago, Singapore police arrested several protesters, including prominent members of the Singapore Democratic Party, for demonstrating against rising prices in Singapore.  While it was initially thought that the protesters were violating the law banning public gatherings of more than four people, ASP William Goh, a police officer on the scene, explained to Singapore Donkey that the protesters were not actually the main problem (as they were nonviolent and peaceful), but the signs they were carrying were a gross violation of the law.

The main problem is that the placards had words on them, and that some Singaporeans might be able to read them.  Prominent lawyer representing many opposition members M. Ravi reported that while most of those arrested for protesting will likely only get “a year or two” in prison, the signs might be locked away indefinitely!  “It is not uncommon for placards to be burned alive in Singapore, without ever being read.  This is to serve as a deterrent to others thinking of putting words onto papers.”  The offending sign had the gall to have written “NO to PAP GREED” on it.  Another sign actually reported the salary of the prime minister!  ASP William Goh explained that while most Singaporeans wouldn’t understand the complexities of the law, “a few might be able to read”.

George Yeo finds out Singapore is a small country on trip abroad

On a trip to France in late February, Singapore’s foreign minister George Yeo was shocked when he learned that Singapore was “petit”. This unnerving piece of information was presented to him gently by French diplomats during his car trip from the airport to his hotel in Paris. According to senior French officials, Mr. Yeo was becoming alarmed at the long time the trip was taking from the airport. He began explaining to the French how things would be different in Singapore. “In Singapore,” Mr. Yeo asserted, “things are more efficient.” He began telling his French hosts how their traffic system was not as well-managed, how allowing French transport workers to go on strike “is regrettable”, and how all those freedoms they have in France are causing traffic jams. Mr. Yeo also warmly extended an offer for French ministers to visit Singapore, where experts can assist them in solving France’s myriad problems. After an awkward silence, a young diplomat informed Mr. Yeo that France was larger than Singapore, so some places just take longer to travel to from the airport than places in Singapore.

Media Development Authority rates MM Lee “M” for “Mature”

The Media Development Authority (MDA) of Singapore has continued its recent rating exercise, attempting to efficiently and transparently rate every source of information in Singapore.  Since MM Lee is a major source of information for Singaporeans and is oft-quoted in local newspapers, his comments were analyzed by MDA experts and were rated “M18″, a classification described by the MDA as “Mature 18 for persons 18 years and above”.  MM Lee was also given a sub-rating of “E” for “Exempted”. 

Opposition politician Dr. Chee Soon Juan was rated R21, “Restricted to persons 21 years and above”, but was given a sub-rating of “NR” (”Not Recommended”) instead of “E”.  Thus, Dr. Chee himself will be subject to ban and is henceforth required to keep quiet at all times.

PM Lee to honor American author of book “In Praise of Nepotism”

Mr. Adam Bellow, author of the esteemed book “In Praise of Nepotism: A Natural History”, first published in 2003, is scheduled to arrive in Singapore later this week to accept a plaque and gift basket from PM Lee.  It is also rumoured that Mr. Bellow will be given honorary citizenship by President S.R. Nathan for his substantial efforts over the years in promoting Singapore’s image internationally. In a press release from the Prime Minister’s office, the award has “nothing to do with the book, but rather Mr. Bellow’s renowned accomplishments in promoting Singapore in general.”  Mr. Lee further personally remarked that any journalist, particularly those from the Financial Times, who mentions the book in connection with Singapore or its unique political situation, risk lawsuit and financial ruin.  “Mr. Bellow has done so much for Singapore, especially his efforts at convincing Westerners that Singapore is the first world country that it is, and it is time we repay our gratitude.”

Singapore, Malaysia fight over rock at International Court of Justice

The sovereignty of a rock, known as Pulau Batu Putih in Malaysia and Pedra Branca in Singapore, has been called into question. The rock, physically closer to Malaysia and located east of Singapore, is home to many seagulls. Singapore insists that the birds are Singaporeans, while Malaysia insists that they are just birds. Singapore has dispatched a high-level delegation to the International Court of Justice in The Hague and has taken one of the birds along as proof. The Deputy Prime Minister’s strategy is to hold the bird up in front of the judges and ask them to compare the bird with a picture of MM Lee in his youth. If they think that they bear a resemblance, then the bird must be Singaporean and the rock that they live on must be part of Singapore.

The rock itself, while only the size of a football field, is of prime strategic importance to Singapore. This is because many Singaporean birds like to congregate there and ponder migration, and migration is a big problem in Singapore today. Malaysia, on the other hand, thinks that the birds should be free to migrate whenever they choose, and the rock is closer to Malaysia in any case. “Any sick birds will be promptly taken to a Malaysian hospital,” said Prime Minister Badawi of Malaysia.

God turns NMP Thio Li-Ann into pillar of salt during Parliament speech

NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann was giving a beautiful and engrossing speech about sodomy in Parliment on 23 October, in which she mentioned anal cancer, fecal waste, “bare-backing”, strong family values, “bully-boy tactics”, and “bug-chasing”. She mentioned how much her NUS students enjoy her lectures, which contain discussions on different aspects of gay sex, a topic always dear to the professor’s heart. After calling gays “obscene”, “vile”, “depraved”, “intellectually disingenous”, “moral deviants”, “hedonists” and pleaded that Singapore “not be subject to the tyranny of the undemocratic minority”, she wrapped up her speech with this statement: “Sir, let speaking in the public square with reason, passion, honesty, civility, even grace, be the mark of a Citizen of Singapore.” At this very moment, the LORD’s hand rained upon NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; and she looked back behind her, and she became a pillar of salt.

NMP Thio Li-Ann offers to change gays to straights through compassionate sex

In an impassioned speech presented in Parliament on 23 October, NMP Professor Thio Li-Ann stated that gays can change. Homosexuality, she claimed, is likely caused by “a distant father, overbearing mother and sexual abuse by a family friend.” While she lauded the removal of S377 of the penal code and is personally looking forward to a round of anal sex with both men and women soon, she believes that men who want only gay sex deserve either jail under S377A or help. “While difficult, change is possible and a compassionate society would help those wanting to fulfill their heterosexual potential.” The professor has therefore started a web page under the NUS Law School’s for gay people to sign up for a session of sex with her and fulfill that potential. “There is hope,” she stated in her speech. The web page contains a list of different types of sex that gays will be allowed to have with her once the penal code amendments are passed, including oral sex, anal sex, and traditional vaginal-penile sex. The hope is that with the repealed S377, she will have more types of sex to offer in order to convert gays into straights. This, she believes, will help build a compassionate society.

Financial Times to re-run previous issues on 5-year cycle to avoid hassle of reporting

The Financial Times today printed an apology and agreed to pay damages to MM Lee, PM Lee, and Ms. Ho Ching over an allegedly defamatory article it published in late September. The article alleged that MM Lee helped source PM Lee as his replacement, who then helped others in his family get lucrative government positions. “That explanation was inexcusable, baseless, and completely inaccurate,” stated the printed apology. “MM Lee had nothing to do with PM Lee being selected as prime minister. At the time PM Goh was in office, MM Lee held a meeting where all ministers were told to count as high as they could, and the winner could be PM. Then-PM Goh counted to 150 before stumbling which would have earned him another term. At that very moment though, the younger Lee climbed up onto his father’s shoulders and counted to 66.6. As his counting height was 0.5 meters higher than Goh’s head, he became the new PM. We regret any harm done to PM Lee’s reputation and will gladly compensate him and his family for having printed the earlier, inaccurate version of events.”

To avoid future trouble, the Financial Times has agreed to pay weekly damages to the Lee family “just in case” and has further agreed to stop publishing new articles in its papers sold within Singapore. Like television, they plan to make due with re-runs. This is expected to increase the quality of Singapore’s already-sterling-reputation journalism scene, since all articles will have been pre-read by the populace. The FT is expected to re-run articles on a five-year “natural cycle” so that Singaporeans won’t notice any difference between their new, unique edition of the FT and the standard edition.

MM Lee to be launched into outer space

Transport minister Raymond Lim announced today that Singapore was entering the Space Age, after hearing that Malaysia now has a man in space. “Singapore will establish a launch facility for the purpose of establishing a Singaporean presence in the galaxy. Residents within a 2-km radius of the launch pad in Bedok will be forced to evacuate, but will be given title to an equivalent area of land on the Moon.” MM Lee, due to his spryness, will be Singapore’s first astronaut and will be minister mentor on the new Singaporean lunar colony. Early next year, MM Lee will be launched into space, followed by other cabinet ministers. The Singaporean lunar colony is expected to be inside a “fairly small and deep crater.”

Obscure Western academic says Singapore is a model for the world

Prof. Kishore Mahbubani, Dean of the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore, was told to write “something nice about Singapore” in the Straits Times, so he searched long and hard to find a top, Western academic who might say that Singapore’s system is one of the best in the world. Although his search was unsuccessful, his August 9th article was ultimately published, and he made due by quoting one of his friends, Peter Schwartz, a former Philadelphia-area high school teacher whom he described as “one of the leading futurologists of the world.” While Singapore Donkey’s editors (in two months of searching) could not find any academic credentials for this Westerner beyond a bachelor’s degree in aeronautical engineering, what is clear is that Mr. Schwartz has nice feelings about Singapore. According to the official Straits Times editorial policy, any Westerner who has something nice to say about Singapore should be quoted. Mr. Schwartz’s comment will, without doubt, leave Singaporean readers with a lasting and completely accurate portrayal of Western sentiments towards Singapore (as published): “So the model around the world is increasingly Singapore, not the United States. Go learn from Singapore.”

New floral display at airport to compensate for human rights problems

PM Lee today announced that because the human rights situation in Singapore is deteriorating, something must be done. Since freeing all political prisoners and allowing free speech and public protest “wouldn’t be prudent,” PM Lee said that a new floral display at Changi airport will help compensate and “achieve balance.” The goal is to mesmerize visiting foreigners. “When they first arrive in Singapore, they may have a bad feeling about our human rights situation. But after they see all the pretty flowers and ride on our beautiful highway to the city, they’ll forget. So let’s plant some nice flowers in the airport itself. A mini-botanical garden, replete with orchids, will be installed soon.” It is rumoured that for each day Dr. Chee Soon Juan remains a political prisoner, PM Lee has to plant 254 flowers to achieve balance.

Burma dictator asks friend PM Lee for good “one-liner” against Bush

U.S. President Bush announced new American sanctions against the junta ruling Burma today, also known as Myanmar. He accused the military dictatorship of imposing a “19-year reign of terror” on its people. After passing new laws banning assembly and imposing a curfew, Senior General Than Shwe retorted that 19 years was “not as long as Singapore’s reign of terror” and that “Myanmar will not be told what to do by the U.S.” He then lost his train of thought and telephoned his friend PM Lee, also a former military man, for a good line, then continued after PM Lee faxed over a “zinger” from Assoc. Prof. Ho Peng Kee:

“Our laws are an expression and reflection of the values of our society and any public discourse in Burma on such matters should be reserved for Burmese. Foreigners will not be allowed to interfere in our domestic political scene, whether in support of the democracy cause or against it.”

Burma bans assemblies of 5 or more people to “keep it above Singapore’s limit”

The military junta in charge of Burma on Tuesday banned assemblies of five or more people after faced with massive protests from barefoot monks. Singapore Donkey has learned that Senior General Than Shwe decided on the number five after conferring with Singapore’s PM Lee, his close friend. PM Lee advised him to “set the number low.” Some ruling generals privately told PM Lee that they regret not thinking of this kind of law before, and also expressed admiration for his father MM Lee’s legal know-how. “We made a terrible mistake by putting our democracy activist [Aung San Suu Kyi] under house arrest. We should have put her in prison and sued her instead, like you did to your activists.”

Inside Burma, the state-controlled press lauded the government’s actions against the “communist-led” monks, and quipped that Burma’s new law banning peaceful assemblies of more than five people are 25% “more liberal” than Singapore’s law, which bans assemblies of more than four people. Singapore, along with China, is now devoting considerable resources to keeping the Burmese junta in power. “We don’t want the Burmese people to find out about some of the business deals we have with their dictators, especially those two rubber trees I own just outside Mandalay.  Please keep the protestors from breaking off any branches.”

Deaths mount after 4 years of bar-top dancing

Bar-top dancing was legalised in Singapore in September, 2003 and this week marks the 4-year anniversary of the policy change. Unfortunately, since liberalisation there have been at least 1,240 deaths from people falling off bar-tops. This prompted Vivian Balakrishnan to remark in Parliament today, “I told you so.” It was he who had originally spoken out vehemently against the policy change, stating in 2003 the following and foreseeing the current state of affairs: “If you want to dance, some of us will fall off that bar-top. Some people will die as a result of liberalising bar-top dancing, not just because they have fallen off the bar-top. Because usually a young girl, with a short skirt, dancing on a bar-top, may attract some insults from some other men, and the boyfriend starts fighting. Some people will die. Blood will be shed for liberalising this policy.”

Singapore’s plain-clothes-police officers’ clothing “too plain”

Singapore hired a record number of plain-clothes police officers in 2007, according to Mr. Goh Liang Kwang, Acting Commissioner of Police. “The main problem with the new recruits is that they dress too plainly, and Singaporeans on the streets are beginning to notice.” Plain-clothes officers are necessary to deploy for public events that may turn riotous, or where there is great fear for public safety. Examples include a recent banned gay and lesbian picnic in Singapore Botanic Gardens and a banned Worker’s Party cycling event. Both banned events attracted 50+ plain-clothes officers, some dressed very plainly. According to Mr. Kelvin Yeo, a plain-clothes officer, “We are trying to wear less-plain clothes, so that in the future we can do an even better job at keeping Singaporeans from rioting.”

Singapore mulls liberal arts college without liberals or art

A spokesman at the Ministry of Education announced in a press conference today that Singapore is considering forming a new university, most likely a liberal arts college.  Since liberals are normally bankrupt in Singapore, and art is severely censored by the Media Development Authority, it has been decided that the university will be called a “liberal arts” college but there won’t actually be any liberals or arts there.  “We just need a good name to attract the poorly-performing local students and those students from nearby communist countries who don’t know what liberals are,” the spokesman clarified.  He added that “liberal arts” makes Singapore sound like a first-world country.

Transport Minister Raymond Lim waves at construction workers on lorry

Singapore’s Transport Minister and 2nd Minister for Foreign Affairs Raymond Lim, was on the AYE in his Mercedes when a lorry carrying 15 construction workers passed by. “I decided to wave,” Mr. Lim told Singapore Donkey. Mr. Lim was apparently moved to action upon hearing of the death of one worker and serious injury to 14 others when a similar lorry was in a horrific traffic accident earlier that morning. Because lorries hauling Bangladeshi workers have no seat belts and the workers sit in the back, there is no protection from grave injury during accidents. Mr. Lim is considering requiring lorries to chain the workers to the truck, “so that they won’t fly all over the place in a collision,” but thought it might put too much financial burden on local construction companies. Meanwhile, he reminded Singaporeans that they must buckle their seat belts at all times or risk a $300 fine. “Life is to be cherished. Don’t risk it,” he added.

Inflation fears after launch of $1,000,000,000,000,000 note for Hungry Ghosts Festival

The Hungry Ghosts Festival or the Feast for the Wandering Souls is held annually during the seventh month on the lunar calendar and is a month-long event in Singapore. During this month, the gates of hell are opened and spirits are free to roam the earth and visit the living (especially relatives). The Chinese typically burn ‘hell money’ and other paper offerings for the deceased, who as ghosts are able to use the money in their world. And it is in their world where inflation fears mounted today after many mainland Chinese started burning a newly-launched $1,000,000,000,000,000 note. The largest-denomination note available for burning in Singapore is only $1,000,000,000,000. In a world where even basic household items often cost millions or billions of dollars due to the large and constant influx of currency from the living, fears are that pressure from China over the new note will cause runaway inflation, and ultimately Singapore will have to respond by printing an even higher-denomination note. Local entrepreneur Kelvin Tan, however, has decided not to give into pressure, though. “I’m going to burn books this year. My deceased relatives can sell them anytime, since their value will hold in face of inflation.” Other local Chinese have written up special inflation-free bonds and derivatives to burn to afford their relatives long term financial security.

Singaporean entrepreneur earns big money teaching entrepreneurship class

Jasper Tan, a Singaporean entrepreneur, is now earning over $10,000 per month after he started his own business after finishing his university studies with a degree in psychology. His business focuses on teaching entrepreneurship classes. “I thought I might put my knowledge of psychology to use,” he told Singapore Donkey by telephone. Mr. Tan’s education was a boon to the Singapore entrepreneurship scene, and his successful entrepreneurship class has brought him riches and fame. Other Singaporeans may soon jump into the entrepreneurship bandwagon and startup their own entrepreneurship classes. “If more Singaporeans take entrepreneurship classes about starting entrepreneurship classes, then it bodes well for Singapore’s future,” said PM Lee when asked to comment. “Someday, as more and more Singaporeans teach entrepreneurship, we will all become smarter.”

Li Hongyi sends e-mail to hundreds of UN delegates about poor leadership in Singapore

On the heels of his successful e-mail rant to hundreds of people about Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) leadership faults, Mr. Li Hongyi, a low-ranking officer (2LT) and son of Singapore’s PM Lee, has decided to take his letter-writing campaign one step further. Although 2LT Li is very upset and frustrated about conditions within the SAF leadership, he is even more angry and frustrated about the top brass in the Singapore government’s leadership. 2LT Li’s approach to remedy the situation is not to work his way up the chain of command domestically, but to reach out to hundreds of foreigners by e-mail and make sure everyone understands his thoughts on the matter. Singapore Donkey has obtained a copy of his new e-mail:

I am using this last opportunity to issue a letter of complaint against the quality control of leaders in the Singapore government, more specifically against its PM. During my time as his subordinate, the PM was AWOL on at least 2 counts (sipping tea when he was supposed to be attending mentoring tutorials with MM Lee), attempted bribery (threatening to become corrupt without a 50% salary increase), and lied to his subordinates and foreigners (about the treatment of his political opponents and the true amount of freedom in Singapore). The judiciary HQ has effectively given no punishment, and has not even made these infractions known to the rest of the public. PM has banned publications about his wrongdoing, and has even sued those such as the Far Eastern Economic Review and its editor who have tried to inform the public about his infractions.

Even if you attribute the lack of punishment to extreme leniency, the decision to not inform the public about his bad leadership is even more suspicious. Especially in a democracy such as Singapore, where the importance of duty cannot be over emphasized, to not even inform the public of the occurrence is to send a signal that there is nothing wrong with his actions. If it was unintentional it shows gross negligence for something which is clearly an important matter, and if intentional shows a level of corruption that I need not elaborate on.

While some might say this is just a small matter, a story of a single bad prime minister, the fact that it was not dealt with more severely is indicative of a bigger problem. It shows the lack of quality control being practiced for the leaders of Singapore. The following quote was taken from Singapore’s own homepage:

“The quality and commitment of our people will continue to be the most important determinant for advancement” - Member of Parliament Ms Indranee Rajah

We can take criticism about having archaic laws against homosexuals, repressive newspaper ownership laws, and even questionable relevance of censorship in the Media Development Authority to modern day operations. But one thing that cannot be tolerated is a reputation for having bad leaders. Such a reputation would compromise Singapore’s credibility far more than using refurbished British colonial laws or old mentors for our ministers.

While I may only be a 2nd lieutenant, I am a citizen of this country. And as a citizen I have the right to demand high standards from the leaders of Singapore. While it is true that high standards are hard to come by and even harder to enforce, for such events to come to light and yet nothing be done about it is to say the very least, unacceptable and disappointing.

Yours Sincerely,
2LT Li Hongyi

2LT Li is expected to depart Singapore for his studies at MIT, into which he was admitted because of his intelligence, not because of any family connections or Singapore’s donations of money to or connections with MIT.

MediaCorp bags 27 medals in obscure (but very prestigious) Flomax/BPH awards

MediaCorp has beaten other world-class media organizations such as the BBC and the National Geographic Channel, hauling in a record 27 medals in the most prestigious media awards in the world, the Flomax/BPH Awards in New York City. This is expected to make MediaCorp’s channels, such as ChannelNewsAsia, gain more viewing audience abroad. The prestigious medals were awarded by Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals, maker of the popular drug Flomax used for treating Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia, a disease common in old men. “These are the most prestigious medals in the industry,” said a MediaCorp executive. “Plus, since the awards ceremony was in New York City, we got to enjoy a nice sightseeing trip too.” According to ChannelNewsAsia, “Clinching the gold award for Channel 8 was a pillar poster that literally tied its poster campaign with its on-air branding façade with the use of similar ribbon motifs for both.” MediaCorp is rapidly bagging one award after another with such ribboning talent. When asked what MediaCorp’s secret to success is, a spokesman pointed out the myriad censorship and restrictive ownership laws in Singapore, and press freedom rankings at the bottom of the developed world. “These help us to make good programs.” Although MediaCorp has carried out some free product placement for Flomax, this had “nothing to do with winning the awards.” Because MediaCorp beat National Geographic Channel and the BBC in the competition, it is expected to overtake these channels in popularity within a year. “The viewing public cares deeply about which channel won the most awards when they decide what to watch,” the spokesman clarified.

Singaporeans, not Singapore, to be re-branded

The Economic Development Board’s efforts in re-branding Singapore as an Education Hub have largely failed, a spokesman said. Therefore, rather than re-brand Singapore, the EDB has decided to re-brand Singaporeans themselves. A large cattle branding iron was procured, with letters “SG” carved. Each citizen will go through the nation-building exercise. The iron reaches a temperature of 500 degrees, and applied to the bare backsides of Singaporean citizens, causing a loud “sssssss” sound for a few seconds to create the new Singapore brand. EDB representatives recruited caning experts at Changi prison to help with the branding, since they are used to dealing with strapping down naked Singaporeans and hearing screams of agony. “It’s actually kind of fun,” said one caner-cum-brander. PM Lee lauded the EDB’s efforts, saying that many tourists would likely visit Singapore to see the new Singapore brand for themselves.

Singapore police bag top prize for fashionable hats

In the annual uniform fashion awards in Paris, Singapore’s female officer uniform won the top prize. The entry was not originally expected to fare well, as it was up against Versace-designed swimwear used by the Italian Lifeguard Association. What tipped the final vote in Singapore’s favor, according to Madame Yvonne Jaquard, chief judge, were the inspirational hats. “The blue hats inspire confidence and respect for the law. The officers wearing these hats will undoubtedly enforce the law sternly, but will do so in brutally fashionable style. These cute and stylish uniforms will surely attract international attention and improve Singapore’s image as a country of respect for the law, and a country of fashion.”

Misplaced lip gloss causes panic at ChannelNewsAsia news desk

ChannelNewsAsia (CNA), Singapore’s award-winning 24-hour news network, suffered a news meltdown over the weekend and went off the air briefly. This was eventually traced to a frenzied search for lip gloss, required by MediaCorp executives for all anchors and correspondents. After winning numerous international awards for layout and beauty of its reporters, CNA has positioned itself as the premier news network in the region for viewers who like to see reporters with beautiful, luscious, lips, glossed to a high sheen. When the lip gloss went missing, the news desk mobilized in a frenzied search, but the cosmetics “gloss-box” (as it’s referred to within the studio) was unfortunately not located until after a brief outage. It was deemed by executives that this was acceptable, since good-looking anchorwomen are paramount to reporting of news. ChannelNewsAsia’s website perspective statement explains that “ChannelNewsAsia is created for Asians by Asians.” And unlike Asians in other countries who demand free and fair reporting from their media, Asians in Singapore demand beautiful glossy lips, and government-run MediaCorp will make sure that viewers are satisfied.

PM Lee enjoys mud bath spa at S’pore-M’sia retreat

Joint Communiqué—The Government of the Republic of Singapore and the Government of the Federal Republic of Malaysia, feeling completely refreshed and rejuvenated after our first ever retreat at the Langkawi Four Seasons Resort from the 14th to 16th May, 2007, jointly declare:

1. That the two sides totally enjoyed our time together at the expense of each side’s respective taxpayers
2. That the great success of this first prime ministerial retreat shall call for many more retreats in the future, perhaps once a month
3. That there shall be no agenda, no bilateral issues, and no negotiations during such retreats
4. That the two sides shall be left alone, away from the media spotlight and scrutiny, to explore the resort, play golf, and indulge in humanly pleasures
5. That aromatherapy elixir massage, lavender infusion manicure and pedicure, DNA molecular regenerator facial, and mud bath spa treatment (with gold-flake sprinkles) shall be made available to all retreat participants, regardless of gender, age, rank, or nationality.
6. That next time, more ministers, close relatives and friends will be allowed to accompany each PM to further strengthen bilateral relations

Issued at Langkawi on May 16th, 2007

Prime Minister of the Republic of Singapore Lee Hsien-Loong
Prime Minister of the Federal Republic of Malaysia Abdullah Badawi

Source: Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Republic of Singapore

Charity drive teaches children to beg more effectively

Students in secondary schools in Singapore are encouraged, sometimes required, to participate in charity drives. They can be spotted all around the island collecting donations for all sorts of charities. The main idea is not to learn about the spirit of giving or helping out, but to collect money. A local school administrator told Singapore Donkey, “These are the kinds of values we are trying to teach our children. It’s not about helping out a charity. It’s about learning how to beg shoppers for money. These begging techniques will help the children when they grow up and get displaced by foreign talent. Say, for example, that the charity involves childhood cancer. Rather than asking our students to learn about childhood cancer and volunteer to help victims or help out at hospitals, it’s much more meaningful for them to stand in a shopping mall all day and pester people for coins. After all, Singaporean children like to be in shopping malls. And if they learn how to ask for money from strangers today, then they’ll learn how to ask for money for the rest of their lives.”

Angry NUS law lecturer hits MM Lee with big Bible

When NUS Assistant Professor Yvonne Lee heard that consensual sex between males might be legalized in Singapore, she took action immediately. Her main worry is that gay men might not be thrown in jail for homosexuality. To prevent all the gay men from being treated fairly in Singapore society, or, even worse, in her NUS classroom, she needed to take bold action. So when MM Lee said that gays might deserve equal rights, she opened her mouth and pulled a big Bible out of it, and then started to hit MM Lee on the head with it. Her main worry is that fundamental Christians like her will not be tolerated (and may even be called “bigoted, homophobes, or hateful”) if gays are not sent to jail for punishment. In the Straits Times, May 4, 2007, she points out that if the gays are not punished, this amounts to “intolerance against religion.” And her religion, particularly, will not stand for intolerance. “We’ll send those homosexuals to prison, as the law stands, and ensure that they don’t trounce on anyone’s religion. We’ll cane them too.” MM Lee reportedly ended up with a big welt on his head from the Bible wound, but is expecting to make a full recovery. “She was hitting me quite hard, and screaming about gay people at the same time. I didn’t expect this to happen in Singapore. New York, perhaps.”

Singapore props up Burma with old board

During Foreign Minister George Yeo’s recent trip to Burma (also known as Myanmar), he noted that it was on the verge of collapse, and had taken along an old board from his residence. “This will hold it up for awhile.” Ruled by a non-democratic military junta, most countries would welcome a collapse of the dictatorship and a return to power of lawfully-elected democracy advocate and Nobel prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi, currently under house arrest. Singapore, however, does not welcome such a democratic transition. PM Lee has taken a personal interest in the plight of the Burmese people, and firmly believes that the military junta is the best option for them. “These democracy advocates are very troublesome,” he said. PM Lee has placed Singaporean democracy advocates under arrest from time to time, and so fully understands the threat that they pose to peaceful societies like Singapore’s and Myanmar’s.

Although Mr. Yeo’s board is expected to keep Burma propped up for at least a year, a longer term solution is necessary to shore up Burma’s foundations. It turns out that the main problem is agricultural. “There is an erosion problem,” Mr. Yeo reported. Therefore, he has penned a treaty allowing Singapore agriculture interests to help plant strong plants, such as hemp, marijuana, and coca, to hold the nation together. “This is a good solution for both Singapore and Myanmar,” said Mr. Yeo.

Singapore demands royalties for “si” part of “Malaysia truly Asia” slogan

Malaysia was once known as Malaya, before its merger with Singapore in 1963. Singapore tourism officials believe that Malaysia has no right to retain the letters “si” in the country’s name, and that Malaysia continues to hold onto those letters as a symbolic representation of pseudo-sovereignty over Singapore. More importantly, however, the letters “si” that Singapore freely donated to Malaysia in 1963 made the slogan “Malaysia truly Asia” possible, allowing the present day country sans Singapore to reap billions in additional tourism earnings. Singapore is therefore demanding compensation, on the grounds that “Malaya truly Asia” does not rhyme. The law firm Drew & Napier, who routinely represent the Lee family in defamation matters, have drafted a strongly-worded letter to the Malaysian government on behalf of the Singapore Tourism Board to demand payment.

MediaCorp journalist fined for importing Malaysian newpaper

Loh Chee Kiong, a reporter for TODAY (owned my MediaCorp), has been arrested for importing “The Star”, a Malaysian newspaper. The reporter was nabbed when crossing at Woodlands with several suspicious newspapers stuffed into hand luggage, and “The Star” was subsequently found upon conducting a body cavity search. The tipoff came when Loh wrote an article for TODAY on April 2, 2007 entitled “Envoy pushes for hassle-free Causeway card”. The otherwise innocuous article contained the following incriminating words:

“In an interview which was published yesterday in Malaysian newspaper The Star, Mr Parameswaran called for the Malaysian government to study the possibility of developing a travel card…”

The police were drawn to the words in bold which indicated that the reporter had been illegally importing Malaysian newspapers to gather information. This “gathering information” is where the offence lies in Singapore. The punishment for contravening the Undesirable Publications Act (Chapter 33 is as follows:

6. —(1) Any person who imports, publishes, sells, offers for sale, supplies, offers to supply, exhibits, distributes or reproduces any prohibited publication or any extract therefrom shall be guilty of an offence and shall be liable on conviction for a first offence to a fine not exceeding $10,000 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 3 years or to both, and for a subsequent offence to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 4 years.

And if Loh attempts to cry “innocent until proven guilty” let clause 3 set the matter straight (shown in bold below)

(2) Any person who without reasonable excuse has in his possession any prohibited publication or any extract therefrom shall be guilty of an offence and shall be liable on conviction for a first offence to a fine not exceeding $2,000 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 12 months or to both, and for a subsequent offence to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 2 years.

(3) In any proceedings against any person for an offence under subsection (2), that person shall be presumed, until the contrary is proved, to have known the contents and the nature of the contents of any publication immediately after such publication came into his possession.

A strong deterrent is expected from the Singapore courts. K. Bhavani, MICA, commented on the case, stating that all publications must contribute towards nation-building, and that Malaysian newspapers offer only “polemics dressed up as analysis”.

Chee Soon Juan to be crucified between two thieves for criticising Pharisees

Chee Soon Juan, an academically-minded democracy advocate, is scheduled to be crucified in Singapore on Friday. He will be caned just prior to crucifixion. This comes after his searing words against whom he calls “Pharisees” crossed a fine judicial line. Chee had claimed that he would bow down to no king on earth, and claimed to speak for all Singaporeans, but he did NOT have a permit for speaking. (Speaking is prohibited in Singapore without a police permit.) Singapore Donkey interviewed Chee in Changi Prison, where he awaits punishment.

S. Donkey: Good morning, Dr. Chee. You owe a considerable sum of money to MM Lee and his son in damages for several defamation suits. How will it be paid off after your execution?
Chee: Render therefore unto Lee the things which are Lee’s, and to God the things that are God’s.
S. Donkey: So you aren’t angry that your estate will be given entirely to the Lee family upon your execution?
Chee: It is more blessed to give than to receive.
S. Donkey: A very good attitude! What do you think of MM Lee then?
Chee: For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? A man’s life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth.
S. Donkey: Singapore is hardly “the world” though. It is just a city.
Chee: The rich man’s wealth is his strong city: the destruction of the poor is their poverty.
S. Donkey: You mean the poor Singaporeans? But these poor Singaporeans continuously voted the Lee family into government for almost half a century!
Chee: Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.
S. Donkey: Yes, Singaporeans are not into “weightier” matters! But we do like shopping. Is there any hope?
Chee: Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.
S. Donkey: Yes, eating is the other great Singaporean pastime. What do you think of Singapore?
Chee: Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.
S. Donkey: And the Lee family?
Chee: For wheresoever the carcass is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
S. Donkey: And it seems you will be the carcass! What do you think of the judicial process that led to your sentence of crucifixion?
Chee: Good is set against evil, and life against death: so also is the sinner against a just man.
S. Donkey: How long do you think MM Lee will live?
Chee: All they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.
S. Donkey: Eventually. What do you think the fate will be of MM Lee and his wife in the afterlife?
Chee: But he knoweth not that the dead are there; and that her guests are in the depths of hell.
S. Donkey: Why do you think that Mrs. Lee will also go to hell?
Chee: And she bare him a son, and he called his name Gershom: for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land. And he wrote in the king Ahasuerus’ name, and sealed it with the king’s ring, and sent letters by posts on horseback, and riders on mules, camels, and young dromedaries.
S. Donkey: Indeed. Do you have anything else to add?
Chee: So the posts that rode upon mules and camels went out, being hastened and pressed on by the king’s commandment. And the decree was given at Shushan the palace.

PM Lee donates S$30 to charity

PM Lee thrilled an audience of visiting foreign dignitaries last Thursday when he announced that he would be making a generous donation of S$30 to local charities. Mr. George Soros, who had once harped that Singapore is not an “open society”, was notably impressed, and exclaimed that he had “figured PM Lee all wrong”. “I thought they [the Lee’s] were mostly just snakes out to get as much money and power as possible from their society. This donation to charity really shows me that they do want to give back to their country.” Although PM Lee’s salary is the highest for any politician in the world, this donation to the poor demonstrates his philanthropy. “I want the people of Singapore, especially the poor, to know that I do understand their problems and hardships,” PM Lee explained. He added that he was only slightly worried that the decrease in his take-home pay post-charity might cause him to become corrupt, saying that he planned to keep enough to build a “nest egg” and review his own salary peg just to be on the safe side. “I will give this S$30 to charity, and I will continue giving, and hopefully allow others to experience something of the kind of life that I have been so lucky to experience.”

Sea anemones condemned by NCCS for homosexual tendencies

The National Council of Churches of Singapore has issued a strong statement of condemnation of sea anemones (pictured above), because of their asexual, homosexual, and hermaphroditic behaviour. While scientists have found that the creatures are apparently born with these “tendencies”, the NCCS is not convinced. A statement was issued by NCCS and backed up by the Methodist Churches in Singapore as follows: “We consider homosexual acts to be sinful, abhorrent and deviant, whether consensual or not. The NCCS commends the Government on taking a clear, unequivocal and bold stand of neither encouraging nor endorsing a homosexual lifestyle and opposing the presentation of the same as part of a mainstream way of life.”

The NCCS believes that with prayer and counseling, sea anemones can change their sexual orientation, and that it is not a genetic phenomenon. Churches in Singapore support the Government’s decision to retain Section 377A, which proscribes homosexuality with caning and imprisonment. To prevent sea anemones housed at the Singapore Zoo from engaging in such “deviant” acts, Singapore Christian volunteers have agreed to stand watch at the sea anemone exhibit, and turn over any offenders to the police where they can be caned and imprisoned. The NCCS statement said “At the same time, we do not condemn homosexuals as the Bible calls us to hate the sin but love the sinner.” The caning and imprisonment is expected to increase the amount of love in Singapore, and bring more believing anemones to God.

Vietnamese Embassy’s chickens escaped, captured, and cooked, causing diplomatic spat

Many vistors to the Embassy of Vietnam in Singapore have undoubtedly noticed that the Vietnamese officials are raising chickens on their embassy grounds. The constant noise from the rooster soothes the consular officials’ ears during their duties, and makes Singapore feel a bit more like home. That was the case until last Monday, when a rooster ran out of the embassy gate. This act put the rooster squarely on Singapore soil, and outside the sovereignty provided by the Vietnamese Embassy grounds. Singaporean police were on top of the situation, promptly capturing the criminal bird and turning it over to prison officials for execution. When Vietnamese officials learned of the fate of their bird, they cried fowl, pointing out that the bird was their family, and that Singapore officials were cold and cruel, having not contacted the bird’s family (breaking diplomatic protocol) and having promptly executed the animal after a “show trial”. They also claimed that the bird is immune from prosecution, according to the Vienna Convention on Consular Relations of 1963. Singaporean officials responded that the criminal bird should have realized that bringing itself onto Singaporean territory warrants mandatory execution, and that Singapore has no extradition treaty with Vietnam. Furthermore, the bird was not immune because it had not been properly registered with the foreign ministry. A source familiar with the bird informed Singapore Donkey that the rooster was barely a year old, male, bright red with mixed orange plumage, and had never left Vietnamese territory before. It was the bird’s first trip to Singapore.

All Singapore workers to have salaries pegged to top earners

MM Lee Kuan Yew said in 1996, when speaking on the subject of ministerial pay, “Low salaries will not attract able men who are or can be successful in their professions or business.” These thoughts were echoed again recently, when Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan pointed out that because of the current peg of ministerial pay to the top private sector earners, “A minister should be drawing $2.2 million a year or more.” Because ministers currently earn only $1.2 million per year, an adjustment will be made. However, the government of Singapore has indicated that because of Singapore’s low performance in a number of other metrics, the salaries of all citizens will be pegged to the top earners in each individual’s profession. For example, a maid currently earns only $200 per month. Therefore, quality is low, and corruption is high. By pegging all maids’ salaries in Singapore to that of the highest-paid maid, quality will increase. This pegging will work for all sectors. Cleaners at hawker centers will be pegged to cleaners at NASA. Straits Times journalists will be pegged to Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists. Local television personalities will be pegged to Tom Cruise. After everyone in Singapore has their salary pegged to that of the top earner in their respective field of work, overall quality will increase. MM Lee said, “Low salaries will draw in the hypocrites.” This certainly won’t happen in Singapore.

LKY School of Public Policy to award honorary doctorate to LKY

MM Lee Kwan Yew of Singapore was originally to have been awarded an honorary doctorate of laws from the Australian National University. However, due to criticism from Australian academics over MM Lee’s “oppressive regime” (echoed by Professor Michael McKinley, a senior lecturer there), MM Lee may not get the diploma after all. In a face-saving move, the Lee Kwan Yew School of Public Policy at the National University of Singapore has come to the rescue, offering to award MM Lee two honorary doctorates to make up for the one he may not get. One will be a doctorate in Defamation Law, and one will be a doctorate in Nation Building Science, two areas that the minister mentor is undoubtedly an expert in.

MM Lee also pointed out that Prof. McKinleys comment’s, which included the words “oppressive regime,” lack of “intellectual openness in [Singapore],” and “repressive” are grounds for defamation. “I am not oppressive,” stated MM Lee, “and I will sue anyone who says that I am.” The case is expected to be filed in a Singapore court, not an Australian court, however, due to the greater fairness available in a Singapore trial court.

Philip Yeo admitted to National Neuroscience Institute with swollen head

While on an overseas guppy-studying trip, Mr. Philip Yeo, outgoing leader of A*Star, was found by overseas Singaporean students to be suffering from a swollen head. One student reported to Singapore Donkey that the civil servant’s head had swollen to “3 times its normal size”. Some students suspected that it had always been a bit swollen, but the problem was apparently getting worse over time. Upon returning to Singapore this week, Mr. Yeo was forcibly admitted to the National Neuroscience Institute and the attending physician, Dr. Lee Wei Ling, confirmed the scholars’ findings. Dr. Lee will be operating on Mr. Yeo presently. Dr. Lee (also daughter of MM Lee) is a highly acclaimed neurologist, having beaten top British researcher Simon Shorvon in a fair, head-to-head operating competition refereed by her father, MM Lee. Mr. Philip Yeo appeared dazed going into the operating room, and strangely asked where the whales were, upon seeing Dr. Lee.